This is a collection of quotes that is still growing. If you have any comments on these quotes, or others you'd like to share email me but PLEASE don't send me any anonymous or self quotes.
This page was filled on March 24, 1999
"Slipping into madness is good for the sake of comparison" - Jenny Holzer
"Is that a cassette in you back pocket or are you just happy to see me and slightly deformed?" - Francesca L.
"I think the secret of life is there is no secret" - Rita Mae Brown, In Her Day
"Outside of a dog a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read" - Groucho Marx
"The tragical story of Edwin, who got his face stuck to the floor while sniffing glue" - Goldenrod K., Day of the Nymph
"It's so easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money." - Jack Handey
"For every set of horseshoes human beings use for luck, somewhere in this world's a barefoot horse" - Allan Sherman
"I wondered why somebody didn't do something for peace... Then I realized that I am somebody." - Anonymous
"Listen to the MUSTN'TS, child,
Listen to the DON'TS
Listen to the SHOULDN'TS
The IMPOSSIBLES, the WON'TS
Listen to the NEVER HAVES
Then listen close to me -
Anything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be." - Shel Silverstein
"You are a living mockery of your own ideals. If not, you have set your ideals too low." - Charles Ludlam
"Savor kindness because cruelty is always possible later" - Jenny Holzer
"If you saw that warning label on any other product you wouldn't go near it. It's like looking at the warning label on Drano - 'Harmful or fatal if swallowed' - and thinking, 'Well, I'm down to three cans a week. It relaxes me.'" - Paul Provenza (on smoking)
"I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our 'friend'" - Jack Handey
"Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think." - La Bruyere
"Dare to dream... something will always come of it." - Janusz Korczak
"Now, you will know the concept of the Deja Vu. The feeling, I've done this, been here before. It's quite disturbing. Even more disturbing is the feeling that I had, from time to time, throughout my happy fairy life, a feeling in the night-time, in the darkness, of Non Deja Vu, a sense of loss of something that I should have been, but hadn't, a sense of being thought and being done." - David Edgar, Teendreams
"If you are a dreamer, come in,
If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar,
A hope-er, a pray-er, a magic bean buyer.
If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire
For we have some flax-golden tales to spin. Come in!
Come in!" - Shel Silverstein
"Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay for the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem." - Bill Vaughan
"Deviants are sacrificed to increase group solidarity" - Jenny Holzer
"Friends are just enemies that don't have the guts to kill you" - Judy Tenuda
"My brothers and sisters all hated me cause I was an only child" - Weird Al Yankovich
"I asked many people why they drank so much but never received an explanation that I fully understood. It was the tales of their escapades while under the influence of drink that brought me nearest to comprehending their need for it. It seemed to give them a few hours of freedom from rules which, during the rest of their lives, they reluctantly obeyed. If this was true, then in the example of my life lay a cure for drunkenness... never to conform at all" - Quentin Crisp, The Naked Civil Servant
"We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over." - Aneurin Bevan
"Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two words - 'mank' and 'ind.' What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind." - Jack Handey
Gene: Haras is the messiah, and we do drugs to achieve her state of existence.
Mike: Or she could just be some nut.
"What is plucked will grow again,
What is slain lives on,
What is stolen will remain
What is gone is gone...
What is sea-born dies on land,
Soft is trod upon.
What is given burns the hand -
What is gone is gone...
Here is there, and high is low;
All may be undone.
What is true, no two men know -
What is gone is gone...
Who has choices need not choose.
We must, who have none.
We can love but what we lose -
What is gone is gone." - Peter S. Beagle, The Last Unicorn
"What urge will save us now that sex won't?" - Jenny Holzer
"Lately I've been having an identity crisis, because Woe is me" - Michael C.
"Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you." - Jack Handey
"Bart: What the hell is this?
Lisa: It's one of those campy 70's throwbacks that appeals to Generation-X'ers.
Bart: We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little." - The Simpsons
"The insane, on occasion, are not without their charms" - Kurt Vonnegut, The Sirens of Titan
"This bridge will only take you halfway there
To those mysterious lands you long to see:
Through gypsy camps and swirling Arab fair
And moonlit woods where unicorns run free.
So come and walk awhile with me and share
The twisting trails and wondrous worlds I've known.
But this bridge will only take you halfway there -
The last few steps you'll have to walk alone." - Shel Silverstein
"Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave" - Quentin Crisp, The Naked Civil Servant
"People who can't face drugs turn to reality" - Dr. Robert Anthony, Think Again
"I don't pretend to know what you want but I offer love" - Crowded House
"Arthur: This is the season for gathering flowers
Lancelot: Knights gathering flowers, your majesty?
Arthur: Well someone has to do it" - Camelot
"Lack of charisma can be fatal" - Jenny Holzer
"I believe in making the world safer for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex." - Jack Handey
"In our everyday life there are a lot of sad, unfortunate things, losses, headaches, etc. Life is wonderful though. Leaves are falling and circling from corner to corner, from wall to wall like prisoners in a jail cell walking in a circle. And we all seem like these prisoners in our everyday walking... Life is wonderful though! Life is wonderful..." - Tverskoy Boulevard
"You don't look happy. I'll suck your eyeballs out." - Michael C. (holding a vacuum cleaner)
"Rockabye baby, in the treetop
Don't you know a treetop
Is no safe place to rock?
And who put you up there,
And your cradle too?
Baby, I think someone down here's
Got it in for you." - Shel Silverstein
"There's something I don't like about that severed hand" - Marge Simpson, The Simpsons
"This man is Jewish. He's part of a strange and wonderful religion practiced in big cities." - Murphy Brown
"You are never alone with schizophrenia" - Dr. Robert Anthony, Think Again
"Listen, three eyes... don't you try to outweird me, I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal" - Zaphod, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
"Math class is tough" - Barbie
"Let's go to the mall!" - Barbie
"Boredom makes you do crazy things" - Jenny Holzer
"As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way." - Jack Handey
"Promise me you'll never be in charge of a small, Latin American country" - Greg S. to me
"Now that you know who you are what do you want to be?" - Beatles
"We fear the thing we want the most" - Dr. Robert Anthony, Think Again
"When the light is green you go.
When the light is red you stop.
But what do you do
When the light turns blue
With orange and lavender spots?" - Shel Silverstein
"How can you keep quoting me? Stop it!... What's your problem?" - Mike C.
"Kill the penny! Kill the penny!" - Mike C.
"It is embarrassing to be caught and killed for stupid reasons" - Jenny Holzer
"If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, 'Well, technically that's illegal.' It might fit in with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party" - Jack Handey
"Never let a fool kiss you. And never let a kiss fool you" - Lan Cheung
"little bird with yellow bill
perched upon my window sill
I lure him in with a crust of bread,
and then I crush his little head." - anonymous Bronx Science student
"Bless us the day, but doubly bless us the night" - Dionysus
"Long Island: It's so ethnically diverse. Have you been to a garage sale? Have you tried therapy? - Deb Filler
"Stop smiling. You're in church" - Tales of the Closet
"Why do some heroes have to be so blind?" - Herbs
"I've wrestled with reality for thirty-five years, and... I've finally won out over it" - Harvey
"I am invisible... simply because people refuse to see me." - Ralph Ellison, The Invisible Man
"Drama often obscures the real issues" - Jenny Holzer
"I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him." - Jack Handey
"Life is a jest, and all things show it
I thought so once. but now I know it" - My Own Epitaph
"Good leaders are scarce, so I'm following myself" - Dr. Robert Anthony
"I had a very bad childhood... It's amazing I'm sane" - Sheriff of Nottingham, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
"We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered." - Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead
"If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun." - Katherine Hepburn
"Talking sense to a fool is foolish" - Dionysus
"Nothing is so good it lasts eternally. Perfect situations must go wrong. But this has never yet prevented me wanting far too much for far too long." - Tim Rice, Chess
"ONE hour to madness and joy! O furious! O confine me not!
(What is this that frees me so in storms?
What do my shouts amid lightnings and raging winds mean?)
O to drink the mystic deliria deeper than any other man!
O savage and tender achings! (I bequeath them to you, my children,
I tell them to you, for reasons, O bridegroom and bride.)
O to be yielded to you, whoever you are, and you to be yielded to me,
in defiance of the world!
O to return to Paradise! O bashful and feminine
O to draw you to me--to plant on you for the first time the lips of a
O the puzzle--the thrice-tied knot--the deep and dark pool! O all
untied and illumin'd!
O to speed where there is space enough and air enough at last!
O to be absolv'd from previous ties and conventions--I from mine, and
you from yours!
O to find a new unthought-of nonchalance with the best of nature!
O to have the gag remov'd from one's mouth!
O to have the feeling, to-day or any day, I am sufficient as I am!
O something unprov'd! something in a trance!
O madness amorous! O trembling!
O to escape utterly from others' anchors and holds!
To drive free! to love free! to dash reckless and dangerous!
To court destruction with taunts--with invitations!
To ascend--to leap to the heavens of the love indicated to me!
To rise thither with my inebriate Soul! To be lost, if it must be so!
To feed the remainder of life with one hour of fulness and freedom!
With one brief hour of madness and joy." - Walt Whitman
"Turn soft and lovely any time you have a chance" - Jenny Holzer
"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess was why several of us died of tuberculosis.' - Jack Handey
"I'm going to be assertive... if that's okay with you." - Dr. Robert Anthony, Think Again
"Time doesn't heal. It opens up old wounds and starts new ones." - David W. Elliott, Listen to the Silence
"I've been dead once. It's very liberating if you think of it as therapy" - Joker, Batman
"We're actors, we're the opposite of people!... We pledged our identities, secure in the conventions of our trade, that someone would be watching. And then, gradually, no one was." - Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead
"There is no reason why good cannot triumph as often as evil. The triumph of anything is a matter of organisation. If there are such things as angels, I hope that they are organised along the lines of the Mafia." - Kurt Vonnegut, The Sirens of Titan
"It's not the earth the meek inherit, it's the dirt" - Camelot
"Irene: I don't know why I'm telling you this
Sam: Maybe because I'm listening" - Quantum Leap
"I decided a was a lemon for a couple of weeks. I kept myself amused all that time jumping in and out of a gin and tonic." - Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
"Is it always 'or'? Is it never 'and'?" - Stephen Sondheim, Into the Woods
"You don't know what it's like to listen to your fears" - Beatles
"Consciousness is a prison" - Tadashi Suzuki
"The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still" - Maya Angelou
"I've been around. Well, maybe not around, but I've been nearby" - Mary, The Mary Tyler Moore Show
"Uncertainty is the normal state" - Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead
"There is no point in driving yourself mad trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and save your sanity for later" - Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe and Everything
"One day I sat thinking, almost in despair; a hand fell on my shoulder and a voice said reassuringly: 'Cheer up, things could get worse.' So I cheered up and sure enough, things got worse." - James Hagerty
"You can't say you want things to be simple and then in the next breath ask me to be honest" - Margaret Mahy, The Tricksters
"Reality is a funny thing. There are no defenses against it except madness." - David W. Elliott, Listen to the Silence
"I don't like all this sex on the television. I mean, I keep falling off!" - Monty Python
"What makes you think you're something special when you smile?" - Beatles
"All of us will go down the deserted road, all of us once will not come to breakfast. Nobody can see our faces, only our feet, thousands, thousands, thousands of feet... All of us will be pinned to the blue sky like butterflies in the paradise. But somebody will take off these pins and we will fall down to the black grime" - Tverskoy Boulevard
"There is beauty even in the yellowish sludge" - School of Bayonne
"Those who hate us only win if we hate them back" - Richard Nixon
"Mothers are all slightly insane" - J. D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye
Alphabetical index of quotes