This is a collection of quotes that is still growing. If you have any comments on
these quotes, or others you'd like to share email me
but PLEASE don't send me any anonymous or self quotes.

This page was filled on November 17, 2000

"Someone was hurt before you; wronged before you; beaten before you; humiliated before you; raped before you; yet, someone SURVIVED." - Maya Angelou

"Nobody's interested in sweetness and light." - Hedda Hopper

"The man who believes that trees pollute the environment" - Mario Cuomo (on Ronald Reagan)

"You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you?" ? Jack Handey

"Almost every day during the hunting season you see at least... one item in the newspapers about somebody who has shot somebody else under the impression that he was a deer with a red hat, perhaps? Maybe a large, flesh-colored squirrel?" - Tom Lehrer

"I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse." - Woody Allen

"Why don't you write books people can read?" - Nora Joyce (to her husband James)

"While sitting at home and watching sleazy porn, one question comes to my mind: What the heck would happen if a pool boy ordered a pizza??" - SkyWalker707 (stolen off of Ruminations)

"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway." - Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane

"As long as one American is hungry... then we have unfinished business in this country." - William Safire
"As long as there is one person in this country who is hungry, that's one person too many, and something must be done about it." - Ronald Reagan

"You are not a fool just because you have done something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you." - Anonymous

"I don't understand these complaints about the postal service. Time was, you could put a two-cent stamp on a letter and mail it, and it would arrive at its destination in two days. Now you put a twenty-five-cent stamp on a letter and it can take three to four weeks to arrive. Still only a penny a day!" - letter in Harper's Magazine

"I want to be different. I want to be just like all the different people." - King Missile

"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this." - Emo Phillips

"Don't wish it was easier; wish you were better. Don't wish for less problems; wish for more skills. Don't wish for less challenge; wish for more wisdom." - Jim Rohn

"Realists do not fear the results of their study." - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

"Charity is injurious unless it helps the recipient to become independent of it." - John D. Rockefeller

"I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick 'Americans' as their mascot." - Jack Handey

"During bomb drills, we students were told to crouch under our desks. Apparently the desks used in classrooms in the fifties were made of an exceptionally missile-resistant variety of wood. During the Cold War years I often wondered why it never occurred to our defense planners to protect the entire nation from nuclear attack by simply covering it, from sea to shining sea, with a huge Strategic Classroom Desk." - Dave Barry

"Infatuation is when you think he's as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Conners. Love is when you realize that he's as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Connors, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford - but you'll take him anyway." - Judith Viorst

"This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are." - Art Buchwald

"May you have a lawsuit in which you know you are in the right." - Gypsy Proverb

"If you do not understand my silence you will never understand my words." - Irish Proverb

"Five frogs are sitting on a log. Four decide to jump off.
How many are left? Answer: five.
Why?
Because there's a difference between deciding and doing." - Mark L. Feldman & Michael F. Spratt

"When we hate our enemies, we are giving them power over us: power over our sleep, our appetites, our blood pressure, our health, and our happiness. Our enemies would dance with joy if only they knew how they were worrying us, lacerating us, and getting even with us! Our hate is not hurting them at all, but our hate is turning our own days and nights into a hellish turmoil." - Dale Carnegie

"The first recipe for happiness is: Avoid too lengthy meditations on the past." - André Maurois

"Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company." - Scott Adams

"If one sticks too rigidly to one's principles, one would hardly see anybody." - Agatha Christie

"People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost." - H. Jackson Browne, P. S. I Love You

"IT DOESN'T INTEREST ME WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing. It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive. It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human. It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes!' It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children. It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments." - Oriah Mountain Dreamer

"Dreams come a size too big so that we can grow into them." - Josie Bisset

"Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange." - Robin Morgan

"You can't turn the clock back, but you can wind it up again. And exercise is the key you use to rewind it" - Bonnie Prudden

"Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?" - George Wallace

"I am only one. But I am one. I can?t do everything, but still I can do something. And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do." - Edward Everett Hale

"SPEAR BRITNEY" - t-shirt

"Reality can destroy the dream; why shouldn't the dream destroy reality?" - George Moore

"Every day, people are straying away from the church and going back to God." - Lenny Bruce

"I love boxing. Where else do two grown men prance around in satin underwear, fighting over a belt?... The one who wins gets a purse. They do it in gloves. It's the accessory connection I love." - John McGovern, The Daily Show

"Independence is my happiness, and I view things as they are, without regard to place or person; my country is the world, and my religion is to do good." - Thomas Paine

"If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing." - Anonymous

"There is no god like one's stomach: We must sacrifice to it every day." - Yoruba saying

"I have no particular talent; I am merely extremely inquisitive." - Albert Einstein

"Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone;
For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own." - Ella Wheeler Wilcox

"It's really a wonder that I haven't dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can't build my hopes on a foundation of confusion, misery and death... And yet... I think... This cruelty will end, and that peace and tranquillity will return again." - Anne Frank

"Never despair, but if you do, work on in despair." - Edmund Burke

"What progress we are making. In the Middle Ages they would have burned me. Now they are content with burning my books." - Sigmund Freud

"People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates." - Ray Romano

"Now, once again, we find ourselves facing rising gas prices, and the question is: This time, are we going to learn from the past? Are we finally going to get serious about energy conservation? Of course not! We have the brains of mealworms! So we need to get more oil somehow. As far as I can figure, there's only one practical way to do this. That's right: We need to clone more dinosaurs. We have the technology, as was shown in two blockbuster scientific movies, Jurassic Park and Jurassic Park Returns with Exactly the Same Plot. Once we have the dinosaurs, all we need is an asteroid." - Dave Barry

"I'd go home with Gwenyth before you." - Alex S.
"I'd go home with Gwenyth Paltrow before Jerry too." - Me
"I think we're agreed, we would all go home with Gwenyth Paltrow before Jerry." - Daniel G.

"This is the best book ever written by any man on the wrong side of a question of which he is profoundly ignorant." - Thomas B. Macaulay

"I regret that I cannot accede to your request, because I should like very much to remain in the darkness of not having been analyzed." - Albert Einstein (On a request from an analyst that Einstein allow himself to be psychoanalyzed)

"It is our choices ... that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." - J.K. Rowling

"Waiting until everything is perfect before making a move is like waiting to start a trip until all the traffic lights are green." - Karen Ireland

"Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber." - Plato

"A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes." - Hugh Downs

"I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate." - Phyllis Diller

"Come again when you can't stay so long." - Walter Sickert

"Education would be so much more effective if its purpose were to ensure that by the time they leave school every boy and girl should know how much they don't know, and be imbued with a lifelong desire to know it." - Sir William Haley

"I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on." - Oscar Levant

"We are not held back by the love we didn't receive in the past, but by the love we're not extending in the present." - Marianne Williamson

"Don't limit a child to your own learning, for he was born in another time." - Rabbinical Saying

"There is the view that poetry should improve your life. I think people confuse it with the Salvation Army." - John Ashbery

"He can't act. He can't sing. He's bald. He can dance a little." - Movie Executive on Fred Astaire's screen test in 1929

"You're never quite sure how you feel about a neighbor until a 'For Sale' sign suddenly appears in front of his house." - O. A. Battista

"Many a zero thinks that it is the ellipse on which the earth travels." - Stanislaw Jerszy Lec

"The man who insists upon seeing with perfect clearness before he decides, never decides." - Henri Frederic Amiel

"No culture can live, if it attempts to be exclusive." - Mahatma Gandhi

"Forgive me my nonsense as I also forgive the nonsense of those who think they talk sense." - Robert Frost

"According to the NRA, the best form of personal protection is to be in possession of a loaded firearm at all times. To ensure your personal safety, stay the hell away from NRA members." - The Onion

"It's never crowded along the 'extra mile.'" - Napoleon Hill

"Man is free at the moment he wishes to be." - Voltaire

"Religion is a great force - the only real motive force in the world; but what you fellows don't understand is that you must get at a man through his own religion and not through yours." - George Bernard Shaw

"Until I obtained good taste, I thought the proper number of pillows for a bed was one per head. It's embarrassing to think how wrong I was. Thanks to the help of a professional decorator, and Pam, my bed now has fifteen pillows. Six of them are big honkers that look very impressive until they are thrown on the floor at night. Four of them are decorative pillows featuring the cheerful faces of various dogs; those go on the floor at night too. One pillow is a log-shaped thing called a bolster; it has no purpose that I can discern. Two are "Bucky(tm)" pillows that support one's neck should that become necessary on an emergency basis. When not in use, they go on the floor with the bolster.

And then there are two pillows that can be used for -- of all things -- your head. Those stay on the bed." - Scott Adams, Dilbert Newsletter 31.0

"Democracy is two wolves and a sheep voting on lunch" - Anonymous

"No matter how far you have gone on the wrong road, turn back." - Turkish Proverb

"Love your neighbors, but don't pull down the fence." -Chinese Proverb

"Success in marriage consists not only in finding the right mate, but also in being the right mate." - D.L. Moody

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself." - Harvey Fierstein

"I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter." - Winston Churchill

"One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts." - Samuel Johnson

"Doubt is an uncomfortable condition, but certainty is a ridiculous one." - Voltaire

"Women make up 51% of the world's population, put in 2/3 of the world's work hours, receive 1/10 of the world's wages and own 1/100 of the world's real property. This, essentially, is what the women's movement is all about." - San Francisco Examiner Grabbag 12-24-89

"It makes no difference who you vote for - the two parties are really one party representing four percent of the people." - Gore Vidal

"How can men possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex is what we want!" - Frasier

"The squeaking wheel doesn't always get the grease. Sometimes it gets replaced." - Vic Gold

"I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel's sake. The great affair is to move." - Robert Louis Stevenson

"Many people know how to work hard; many others know how to play well; but the rarest talent in the world is the ability to introduce elements of playfulness into work, and to put some constructive labor into our leisure." - Sydney J. Harris

"By the way, with all this talk about 'pregnant chads,' am I hearing that the Republicans want to abort them, instead of giving them a chance to come to term and be adopted by the electorate? Seems hypocritical to me" - The Daily Show Newsletter

"Those who cast the votes decide nothing, those who count the votes decide everything" - Joseph Stalin

"Movies are a fad. Audiences really want to see live actors on a stage." - Charlie Chaplin

"In the last few years, if you haven't discarded a major opinion or acquired a new one, check your pulse. You may be dead." - Gelett Burgess

"New Mexico statute requires that in case of a tie, 'the determination as to which of the candidates shall be declared to have been nominated or elected shall be decided by lot.' In practice, the usual method for this rare event has been to play one hand of five-card poker.

This was last done in December 1999, in a local judge's race. Republican Jim Blanq and Democrat Lena Milligan played one hand of poker in a courthouse with dozens of people watching, and Blanq won." - cnn.com

"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery

"A show of envy is an insult to oneself." - Yevgeny Yevtushenko

"The test of literature, I suppose, is whether we ourselves live more intensely for the reading of it." - Elizabeth Drew

"Life does not cease to be funny when people die, any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh." - George Bernard Shaw (stolen from quoteofthemoment)

"My parents took me to the Amish country, which to a kid, to see a bunch of people that have no cars, no TV, no phone, you go 'So what? Neither do I.' Who wants to see a whole community that's been grounded? That's the way they should punish kids after they've seen Amish country. "All right, son, get up to your room. That's it. I've had it, you are Amish, young man!...And don't come down til you've made some noodles and raised a barn." - Jerry Seinfeld, Sein Language

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