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"Those who give you a serpent when you ask for a fish, may have nothing but serpents to give. It is then generosity on their part." - Kahlil Gibran

"Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want." - Anonymous (saw it in someone's signature)

"For years, my husband and I advocated separate vacations, but the kids kept finding us." - Erma Bombeck

"There are two possible outcomes: If the result confirms the hypothesis, then you've made a measurement. If the result is contrary to the hypothesis, then you've made a discovery." - Enrico Fermi

"Moff: Now, the first thing you need to tell me is the one thing that makes your job difficult, and we'll see about eliminating that.
Everyone: Meetings.
Moff: Very good. Now let's spend a few hours discussing why meetings make you unproductive." - Illiad, Userfriendly

"In the midst of great joy, do not promise anyone anything. In the midst of great anger, do not answer anyone's letter." - Chinese proverb

"We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world." - Helen Adams Keller

"Walking is man's best medicine." - Hippocrates

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked for forgiveness." - Emo Phillips

"To listen to some devout people, one would imagine that God never laughs." -Aurobindo Ghose

"After I decided to become a Jew, only then did I learn that the Jews don't have all the money. When I found out Rockefeller and Ford were goyim, I almost resigned." - Sammy Davis, Jr.

"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality." - Mitch Hedberg

"To give you an idea of how fast we traveled - we left with two rabbits and when we arrived we still had only two." - Bob Hope

"Video games, not parents, are to blame for many of these teenage crimes. I'm certain it was Frogger that taught my son to jaywalk." - John Bumbry

"Correction In the issues of December 16th 2000 to November 10th 2001, we may have given the impression that George Bush had been legally and duly elected president of the United States. We now understand that this may have been incorrect, and that the election result is still too close to call. The Economist apologises for any inconvenience." - this week's issue of The Economist

"Nothing disturbs me more than the glorification of stupidity." - Carl Sagan

"There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking." - Theodore Rubin

"It is the characteristic of the most stringent censorships that they give credibility to the opinions they attack." - Voltaire

"Bush senior used to say that we have more will than wallet. So he urged the country to attack poverty with a thousand points of light, none of which could be eaten." - Barney Frank

"When suffering knocks at your door and you say there is no seat for him, he tells you not to worry because he has brought his own stool." - Chinua Achebe, Arrow of God

"Honest criticism is hard to take - especially when it comes from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger." - Franklin P. Jones

"We have enslaved the rest of animal creation, and have treated our distant cousins in fur and feathers so badly that beyond doubt, if they were to formulate a religion, they would depict the Devil in human form." - William Ralph Inge

"When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra." - Gene Yasenak

"It is a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one's life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than 'try to be a little kinder.'" - Aldous Huxley

"What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?" - Fred Allen

"The things that are ours cannot be given away, or taken away, or lost. We break our hearts, all of us, trying to keep things that do not belong to us - and to which we have no right." - Myrtle Reed

"I mean, the question actors most often get asked is how they can bear saying the same things over and over again, night after night, but God knows the answer to that is, don't we all anyway; might as well get paid for it." - Elaine Dundy

"Men will take almost any kind of criticism except the observation that they have no sense of humor." - Steve Allen

"Unrequited love is like hitting your head against a wall that isn't there." - Shannon Wheeler

"Adversity is the trial of principle. Without it, a man hardly knows whether he is honest or not." - Henry Fielding

"It is clear that our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas." - George W. Bush

"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life - so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls." - Matt Cartmill

"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." - Terry Pratchett

"Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house." - Mark Guido

"I never cease being dumbfounded by the unbelievable things people believe." - Leo Rosten

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." - George W. Bush

At Zenwarp last Friday (talking about Venus):
Megan: Doesn't she dance at Batcave? Why isn't she there?
Me: Because it's Friday.
Megan: Oh yeah. I love open bar.

"To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself." - Friedrich Nietzsche

"What a man says drunk he has thought sober." - Flemish Proverb

"It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one" - Phil White

"A powerful organization of European women recently laid down a quota: 40 percent of government posts in Afghanistan have to go to women. Refresh my memory: What's the legal quota for women in the U.S. Congress?" - Tamim Ansary, Salon

"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce

"McDonald's 'breakfast for under a dollar' actually costs much more that that. You have to factor in the cost of coronary bypass surgery." - George Carlin

"I worship the quicksand he walks in." -Art Buchwald

"If you have a job without aggravation, you don't have a job." - Malcolm Forbes

"People are being much, much nicer to each other in New York. And I have to be honest, it's kind of weird. The other night at Shea Stadium, instead of yelling 'You suck!' at the Braves, Mets fans were yelling, 'Others are better than you!'" - Conan O'Brien

"All miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room alone." - Blaise Pascal

"What people really need is a good listening-to." - Mary Lou Casey

"The hardest part of gaining any new idea is sweeping out the false idea occupying that niche." - Robert Heinlein

"The only devils in the world are the ones running around in our own hearts." - Mahatma Gandhi (stolen from quoteofthemoment)

"You must constantly ask yourself these questions: Who am I around? What are they doing to me? What have they got me reading? What have they got me saying? Where do they have me going? What do they have me thinking? And most important, what do they have me becoming? Then ask yourself the big question: Is that okay?" - Jim Rohn

"I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on." - Beryl Pfizer

"You're not to be so blind with patriotism that you can't face reality. Wrong is wrong, no matter who does it or says it." - Malcolm X

"If people on Jeopardy are so smart, then why can't they write names better?" - Todd Glass

"Non-violence leads to the highest ethics, which is the goal of all evolution. Until we stop harming all other living beings, we are still savages." - Thomas Alva Edison

"Many people hear voices when no-one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stare at the walls all day. Others are called writers and they do pretty much the same thing." - Meg Chittenden

"Sometimes you have to get to know someone really well to realize you're really strangers." - The Mary Tyler Moore Show

"Today there are more overweight people in America than there are average weight people. So, overweight people are now average. Good news... you've already met your New Year's resolution!" - Jay Leno

"If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides." - Yiddish proverb

"The silent majority distrusts people who believe in causes." - Brian Moore

"I think the main reason so many diet books are packed with information about food, special recipes, and the like is that it's a useful way to pad out the essential message of a diet book, 'eat less food,' into something thick enough to be visible on the shelf." - John Walker, The Hacker's Diet

"Hear the other side." - Roman Proverb

"It is not my fault that certain so-called bohemian elements have found in my writings something to hang their peculiar beatnik theories on." - Jack Kerouac

"Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries." - Wayne?s World

"I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder." - Craig Charles

"If you've paused the film in order to read this entire article, your time would be better spent renting Citizen Ruth from your local video store. Do you know how hard it is to write these fake stories for newspaper movie props? I've got better things to do." - in the text of a newspaper article in the film Election

"Listening to both sides of a story will convince you that there is more to a story than both sides." - Frank Tyger

"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves." - Bill Vaughan

"My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old." - Steven Wright

"Any change is resisted because bureaucrats have a vested interest in the chaos in which they exist." - Richard Nixon

"A simple fact that is hard to learn is that the time to save money is when you have some." - Joe Moore

"I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like 'What I'm Going to be If I Grow Up.'" - Lenny Bruce

"Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window." - Jack Handey

"I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it." - Steven Wright

"What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art." - Augustus Saint-Gaudens, Reminiscences

"The greatest tragedy in mankind's entire history may be the hijacking of morality by religion." - Arthur C. Clarke

"It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English -- up to fifty words used in correct context -- no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese." - Carl Sagan

"Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear." - Alan Corenk

"He that blows the coals in quarrels he has nothing to do with, has no right to complain if the sparks fly in his face." - Benjamin Franklin

"Never read a book through merely because you have begun it." - John Witherspoon

"This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness." - Dalai Lama

"It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others." - Steven Wright

"To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved." - George MacDonald

"You don't have to be a 'person of influence' to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me." - Scott Adams

"We could have world peace if all the dictators, presidents and representatives would put their sons and daughters on the front line first." - Louie Bergsagel

"If I had my way, no man guilty of golf would be eligible to any office of trust under the United States." - H.L. Mencken

"The truth is that many people set rules to keep from making decisions." - Mike Krzyzewski, Leading with the Heart

"When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room." - Woody Allen

"Literature is the memory of humanity." - Isaac Bashevis Singer

"Her life was okay. Sometimes she wished she were sleeping with the right man instead of with her dog, but she never felt she was sleeping with the wrong dog." - Judith Collas, Change of Life

"Until he extends his circle of compassion to all living things, man will not himself find peace." - Albert Schweitzer

"There is eloquence in screaming." - Patrick Jones

"Death twitches my ear. 'Live,' he says, 'I am coming.'" - Virgil

"It is my ambition to say in ten sentences; what others say in a whole book." - Friedrich Nietzsche

"On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away." - Tom Lehrer

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Alphabetical index of quotes