This is a collection of quotes that is still growing. If you have any comments on
these quotes, or others you'd like to share email me
but PLEASE don't send me any anonymous or self quotes.

This page was filled on July 2, 1999

"The big picture is that there is no big picture.
That's why we keep painting it." - Ronald Sukenick, Random Access Memory

"Anger or hate can be a useful motivating force" - Jenny Holzer

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you are a mile away... and you have their shoes" - Jack Handey

"A friend of mine told me to shoot first and ask questions later. I was going to ask him why, but I had to shoot him." - John Wayne

"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks" - Steve Martin

"The toughest time... in anyone's life... is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil." - Emo Phillips

"These are my principles, and if you don't like them... well I have others" - Groucho Marx

"The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television" - Anonymous

"Hearts will never be made practical until they can be made unbreakable" - The Wizard of Oz

"Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours" - Frank Moore Colby

"Disgust is the appropriate response to most situations" - Jenny Holzer

"Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely." - Erma Bombeck

"I have no country to fight for: my country is the earth, and I am a citizen of the world." - Eugene V. Debs

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by" - Douglas Adams

"The unhappier he gets the funnier he is. The funnier he is the more he starts performing. He becomes a clown he makes a character out of himself a caricature. He invents stories about himself alter-careers led by alter-egos. Some of these are amusing some even touching. They all avoid the one identity he can't invent. His own. That's why the more Ron loses his character the more he finds himself. The more he finds himself the less of a character he is the less a caricature. But it's not so easy to find yourself the self beneath the hard crust the hot magma beneath sudden eruptions of feelings the source the base on which everything rests. Not easy to find and impossible to escape. In contact with that soft core Ron experiences a numb terror which is first of all a terror of being soft. You have to be hard as hard as whatever it is that hurt you. You have to become what hurt you. Or else. Or else it may hurt you again." - Ronald Sukenick, Random Access Memory

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." - Phillip K. Dick

"If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking, 'Do you want fries with that?'" - John Cleese

"People that are very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history" - Dan Quayle

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." - Rita Mae Brown

"Beware the fury of a patient man." - John Dryden, Oedipus

"I don't use drugs, my dreams are frightening enough" - M.C. Escher

"Killing is unavoidable but is nothing to be proud of" - Jenny Holzer

"don't trust what he says but how he says it and don't trust how he says it but the rhythm of how he says it" - Ronald Sukenick, Random Access Memory

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." - Albert Einstein

"The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory" - Paul Fix

"Recently, someone asked me if I believe in astrology. He seemed somewhat puzzled when I explained that the reason I don't is that I'm a Gemini" - Raymond Smullyan, 5000 BC and Other Philosophical Fantasies

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" - Stephen Wright

"I don't think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that remains" - Anne Frank

I am now going to make you a gift that will stay with you for the rest of your life... every time you say 'we've always done it that way,' my ghost will appear and haunt you for twenty-four hours." - Grace Hopper

"Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian." - Robert Orben

"Only those who attempt the absurd... will achieve the impossible... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check" - M.C. Escher

"People read fiction... to learn something about how to live their lives." - Ronald Sukenick

"Romantic love was invented to manipulate women" - Jenny Holzer

"An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger" - Dan Rather

"You know the shape my breath will take before I let it out" - Belly

"My father would ... make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy" - Austin Powers

"Keeping up with the Joneses was a full-time job with my mother and father. It was not until many years later when I lived alone that I realised how much cheaper it was to drag the Joneses down to my level." - Quentin Crisp

"If you're already walking on thin ice, you might as well dance." -Gil Atkinson

"Some people are always grumbling that roses have thorns. I am thankful that thorns have roses." - Alphonse Karr

"If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will accidentally shoot their children" - Bumper Sticker

"Stupid people shouldn't breed" - Jenny Holzer

"complication could also be at bottom a sophisticated form of fear the greater the complication the greater the fear" - Ronald Sukenick, Long Talking Bad Condition Blues

"When I hear somebody sigh that 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'" - Sydney Harris

"It often takes more courage to change one's opinion than to stick to it" - George Christoph Lichtenburg

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." - Herm Albright

"Whenever I ask, 'Why me?'... a voice always says, 'So who else did you have in mind?'" - Tom Wilson, Ziggy

"It is possible to own too much. A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never quite sure." - Lee Segall

"Learn to listen. Opportunity sometimes knocks very softly." - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

"My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world." - George Bernard Shaw

"Charlie Brown: I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building." - Charles Schulz, Peanuts

"You must remember you have freedom of choice" - Jenny Holzer

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets" - Dave Edison

"We are members of a strange species that devotes its energies to climbing the ladder of success in order to make money to buy things we don't like." - Lawrence Peter

"Some people are so dry that you might soak them in a joke for a month and it would not get through their skins." - Henry Ward Beecher

"Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact." - William James

"Just think of the tragedy of teaching children not to doubt." - Clarence Darrow

"Knowing what goes on behind my placid exterior, I have a strong suspicion of what goes on behind yours." - Richard Needham

"Don't look forward to the day when you stop suffering. Because when it comes, you'll know you're dead." - Tennessee Williams

"When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges." - Jack Handey

"I can feel the thunder underneath my feet" - Melissa Etheridge

"Sing to me sweetly as I turn sour" - The Connells

"I do not feel obliged to believe that that same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use." - Galileo Galilei

"Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat." - Harry Emerson Forsdick

"Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans." - Thomas La Mance

"We can't all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by." - Will Rogers

"My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends,
It gives a lovely light!" - Edna St. Vincent Millay

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it." - Jack Handey

"You grow up the day you have your first real laugh - at yourself." - Ethel Barrymore

"Most of us believe in trying to make other people happy only if they can be happy in ways which we approve." - Robert S. Lynd

"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died." - Stephen Wright

"I sold my soul for freedom; it's lonely but it's sweet." - Melissa Etheridge

"It often happens that I wake at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope." - Pope John XXIII

"I want to be a horse" - Elizabeth II (at age seven, on her plans for the future)

"As long as women are prevented from attaining their highest possibilities, so long will men be unable to achieve the greatness that might be theirs." - Baha'i Scriptures

"The 10 Commandments contain 297 words. The Bill of Rights is stated in 463 words. A recent federal directive to regulate the price of cabbage contains 26,911 words." - The Atlanta Journal

"I'M PROUD OF MY TINKY WINKY. PARENTS AND FRIENDS OF LESBIANS AND TELETUBBIES" - sign at Heritage of Pride Parade '99

"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns." - Jack Handey

"Beware of the man of one book" - Latin Proverb

"True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable." - Dave Tyson Gentry

"The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn." - Alvin Toffler

"I'm still your friend when you are in need. As is once will always be... Together alone." - Crowded House

"Try not to have a good time... this is supposed to be educational." - Charles Schulz

"A man who is 'of sound mind' is one who keeps the inner madman under lock and key." - Paul Valery

"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized." - Fred Allen

"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." - Winston Churchill

"The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything." - Bishop W. C. Magee

"So long as there's different types of music, rap will always be around. Besides, there will always be people that can't sing." - Fresh Prince

"Once in a lifetime a really beautiful song comes along... Until it does, I'd like to do this one." - Cliff Richard

"Composers shouldn't think too much - it interferes with their plagiarism." - Howard Dietz

"People... hate what they can't conquer" - Nas and Puff Daddy

"Remember that happiness is a way of travel, not a destination" - Roy Goodman

"I envy paranoids; they actually feel people are paying attention to them." - Susan Sontag

"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." - George Bernard Shaw

"I believe there would be people alive today if there were a death penalty." - Nancy Reagan

"There is nothing quite so good as burial at sea. It is simple, tidy, and not very incriminating." - Alfred Hitchcock

"You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You'll learn a lot today." - Anonymous

"I am a man of no convictions; at least I think I am." - Christopher Hampton

"It's going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth after they inherit it." - Kim Hubbard

"My son has taken up meditation - at least it's better than sitting doing nothing." - Max Kauffmann

"Sometimes in an intimate face, I cannot recognize anything more than the marks that death will leave behind" - Wumpscut

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