This is a collection of quotes that is still growing. If you have any comments on
these quotes, or others you'd like to share email me
but PLEASE don't send me any anonymous or self quotes.

This page was filled on September 23, 1999

"Learning to live is learning to let go." - Sogyal Rinpoche

"I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people." - Jack Handey

"Four years ago... No it was yesterday.
Today I... No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I... No I don't." - Steven Wright

"My favorite rapper is M.C. Escher!" - Space Ghost, Space Ghost Coast to Coast

"Put any ten people in a room, they may not elect a leader, but I guarantee they'll pick someone to hate." - Larson Crockett

"Recognize destructive patterns in your relationships." - De La Vega

"To be independent of public opinion is the first formal condition of achieving anything great." - G.W.F. Hegel

"Live together like brothers, and do business like strangers." - Arabic Proverb

"It is in vain hope to please all alike. Let a man stand with his face in what direction he will, he must necessarily turn his back on one half of the world." - George Dennison Prentice

"The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity." - George Bernard Shaw

"He is not a lover who does not love forever." -Euripides

"Most of the time it was real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside you'd look out your little window and think, 'Boy I'm glad I'm not in THAT.'" - Jack Handey

"I filled out an application that said, 'In Case of Emergency Notify.' I wrote 'Doctor'... What's my mother going to do?" - Steven Wright

"A man can fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame somebody else." - John Burroughs

"Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improvable." - H.L. Mencken

"A true friend stabs you in the front." - Oscar Wilde

"To believe that what has not occurred in history will not occur at all, is to argue disbelief in the dignity of man." - Gandhi

"My greatest strength as a consultant is to be ignorant and ask a few questions." - Peter F. Drucker

"It is wonderful how much time good people spend fighting the devil. If they would only expend the same amount of energy loving their fellow men, the devil would die in his own tracks of ennui." - Helen Keller

"Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas." - Paula Poundstone

"Donnie: It's a very awkward age for girls.
Dave: Really, what age is that?
Donnie: 13 to 35, very awkward." - Bye, Bye Love

"When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV." - Jack Handey

"Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday." - Steven Wright

"Ours is an age which is proud of machines who think and suspicious of men who try to." - H.M. Jones

"I'm not Superman. Well, maybe I'm a little more super than you are." - Prof. Hacker

"Anything I have ever done that ultimately was worthwhile... initially scared me to death." - Betty Bender

"Most of us spend our lives as if we had another one in the bank." - Ben Irwin

"Every time we start thinking we're the center of the universe, the universe turns around and says with a slightly distracted air, 'I'm sorry. What'd you say your name was again?'" - Margaret Maron

"The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them." - Mark Twain

"Why is it that nobody understands me and everybody likes me?" - Albert Einstein

"He who confronts the paradoxical exposes himself to reality." - Frederich Durrenoualt

"What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?" - Ronald Reagan (on Clint Eastwood's bid for mayor of Carmel)

"I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was - an Arctic region covered with ice." - Steve Martin

"Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, everyday, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to continually be part of unanimity." - Christopher Morley

"I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. 'That was fun,' I said. 'You bet it was,' said Nick. 'Let's climb higher.' 'No,' I said. 'I think we should be heading back now.' 'We have time,' Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about twenty minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story." - Jack Handey

"A fool may be known by six things: anger, without cause; speech, without profit; change, without progress; inquiry, without object; putting trust in a stranger; and mistaking foe for friends." - Islamic Proverb

"He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice." - Albert Einstein

"I know there are people in this world who don't love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!" - Tom Lehrer

"I've got to follow them - I am their leader." - Alexandre Ledru-Rollin

"We owe almost all our knowledge not to those who have agreed, but to those who have differed." - G.C. Colton

"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." - Karl Popper

"A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it." - Jack Handey

"Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half." - Gore Vidal

"Whatever the heart resists, the head does not let in." - Arthur Schopenhaeur

"We should leave our minds open but not so open that our brains fall out." - Alan Ross Anderson

"There is nothing so absurd but some philosopher has said it." - Cicero

"We must view young people not as empty bottles to be filled, but as candles to be lit." - Robert H. Shoffer

"We tend to do things we know how to do, instead of trying to do the things we ought to do." - R. Anshen

"A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg." - Samuel Butler

"There is a story about Charles II, who once invited fellows of the Royal Society to explain to him why a fish when it is dead weighs more than when it was alive. The fellows responded with ingenious explanations, until the king pointed out that what he had told them was just not true." - Lewis Wolpert

"Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit." - W. Somerset Maugham

"I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I?" - Jack Handey

"There are two types of people - those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am!' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are!'" - Frederick L. Collins

"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good." - Ann Landers

"Never part with your illusions. Without dreams, you may continue to exist, but you have ceased to live." - Mark Twain

"If you are planning for a year, sow rice; if you are planning for a decade, plant trees; if you are planning for a lifetime, educate people." - Chinese Proverb

"Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you." - Carl Sandburg

"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not Eureka!(I found it!) but rather, 'hmm... that's funny...'" - Isaac Asimov

"A sense of curiosity is nature's original school of education." - Smiley Blanton

"The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance - it is the illusion of knowledge." - Daniel J. Boorstin

"Love may be what keeps the world spinning 'round, but friendship is what keeps us from throwing ourselves off it." - David R. Mead

"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. Also, you're drunk." - Jack Handey

"Parents think their kids are gifted, but that's just an ego trip on the part of the parents." - Prof. Hacker

"That is what learning is. You suddenly understand something you've understood all your life, but in a new way." - Doris Lessing

"You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people, than you will in two years by trying to get other people interested in you." - Dale Carnegie

"I'm only lonely when I'm driving in my car. I'm only lonely after dark. I'm only lonely when I watch my TV. I'm only lonely occasionally." - Melissa Etheridge

"I know I can't be with you. I do what I have to do. But I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go." - Sarah McLachlan

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

"It doesn't matter who you love or how you love. If you are not in love or loving somebody, you are only half alive. Why do I love him? Because he is a thief, the first day I met him he stole my heart. Why, then, do I hate myself? Because I left my heart vulnerable, when the past has told me time and time again not to. Forgive the tears, they are only bits of selfishness that could be contained no longer. I only wish to keep you a little longer. Within the boundaries of my immediate life. Thank you for touching my life. And letting me know you. And love you. Too many of us stay walled because we are afraid to care too much, for fear the other person does not care as much or not at all. We don't love qualities, we love a person; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as their qualities." - Jacques Maritain

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm, and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, 'Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you. So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex." - Jack Handey

"They don't hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway." - Hunter S. Thompson

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow." - Franklin K. Dane

"A person's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

"If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail." - Abraham Maslow

"No intelligent man has any respect for an unjust law." - Robert Heinlein

"Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these." - Ovid

"Justice cannot be for one side alone, but must be for both." - Eleanor Roosevelt

"Happiness doesn't depend on who you are or what you have; it depends solely upon what you think." - Dale Carnegie

"If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come on over and wash my car; third, shine all my shoes. There, isn't that better?" - Jack Handey

"The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

"Not all who wander are lost." - J.R.R. Tolkien

"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far." - Paul White

"What the world needs now is more geniuses with humility. There are so few of us left." - Oscar Levant

"Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things." - Robert A. Heinlein

"It is only the ignorant who despise education." - Publilius Syrus

"Few people think more than two or three times a year. I've made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week." - George Bernard Shaw

"Each player must accept the card life deals him or her. Bout once they are in hand, he or she alone must decide how to play the cards in order to win the game." - Voltaire

"Buchman: Interesting nickname. What's your real name?
Nitro: Nitro. I'm working on a nickname though. Listen to this: Mike." - Down Periscope

"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere." - Agnes Repplier

"The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in times of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality." - Dante

"Thinking can hurt." - Prof. Hacker

"Keep a watchful eye over yourself as if you were your own worst enemy." - De La Vega

"Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside them was superior to circumstances." - Bruce Barton

"Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it." - Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

"A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant." - George Bernard Shaw

"It is wiser to be conventionally immoral than unconventionally moral. It isn't the immorality they object to, but the originality." - Ellen Glasgow

"If moral behavior were simply following rules, we could program a computer to be moral." - Samuel P. Ginder

"We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance." - Japanese Proverb

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