This is a collection of quotes that is still growing. If you have any comments on these quotes, or others you'd like to share email me but PLEASE don't send me any anonymous or self quotes.

"A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government." - Edward Abbey

Costello: My daddy told me never to fall in love with a woman with beautiful legs. She might walk out on you.

Abbott: A woman with lousy legs might walk out, too.

Costello: Yeah, but who cares?

"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." - Hal Abelson

"I have fallen down before; but I am not on the ground now. If I fall down again I will still get up." - M.K.O. Abiola

"Riff: Well Torg, it worked. I succeeded in summoning Satan into my computer.

Torg: How do ya know you got The Satan, instead of a lesser demon?

Riff: He installed Windows 95 on my system.

Torg: Win95? But Riff, you have a Mac!

Riff: Got any holy-water lying around here?" - Pete Abrams, Sluggy

"When suffering knocks at your door and you say there is no seat for him, he tells you not to worry because he has brought his own stool." - Chinua Achebe, Arrow of God

"The big corporations are suddenly taking notice of the web, and their reactions have been slow. Even the computer industry failed to see the importance of the Internet, but that's not saying much. Let's face it, the computer industry failed to see that the century would end." - Douglas Adams

"1) everything that's already in the world when you're born is just normal;

2) anything that gets invented between then and before you turn thirty is incredibly exciting and creative and with any luck you can make a career out of it;

3) anything that gets invented after you're thirty is against the natural order of things and the beginning of the end of civilization as we know it until it's been around for about ten years when it gradually turns out to be alright really." - Douglas Adams

"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it." - Douglas Adams

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by" - Douglas Adams

"If you don't change your beliefs, your life will be like this forever. Is that good news?" - Douglas Noel Adams

"Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half of one for breakfast." - Douglas Adams

"Hey! No one's eating half of MY life for breakfast." - random student at JHS 54 in response to Goldenrod reciting the above quote to them

"Ford... you're turning into a penguin. Stop it." - Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before - and thus was the Empire forged." - Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"New York has gone. No reaction. He'd never seriously believed it existed anyway." - Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"On the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much - the wheel, New York, wars and so on - whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man - for precisely the same reasons." - Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened" - Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"Arthur: What's so unpleasant about being drunk?

Ford: You ask a glass of water." - Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experiences of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so" - Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

"He was terribly pleased that the day was for once working out so much according to plan. Only twenty minutes ago he had decided he would go mad, and now here he was already chasing a Chesterfield sofa across the fields of prehistoric Earth" - Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe and Everything

"It was clearly a very stupid mattress" - Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe and Everything

"There is no point in driving yourself mad trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and save your sanity for later" - Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe and Everything

"I decided I was a lemon for a couple of weeks. I kept myself amused all that time jumping in and out of a gin and tonic." - Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

"Listen, three eyes... don't you try to outweird me, I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal" - Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

"I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way." - Franklin Pierce Adams

"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance." - Franklin Pierce Adams

"You never know what you can do without until you try." - Franklin Pierce Adams

"There is no such thing as a 'self-made' man. We are made up of thousands of others. Everyone who has ever done a kind deed for us, or spoken one word of encouragement to us, has entered into the makeup of our character and of our thoughts, as well as our success." - George Matthew Adams

"Hell is truth seen too late." - H.G. Adams

"You will never know how much it has cost my generation to preserve your freedom. I hope you will make good use of it." - John Quincy Adams

"Unless you're willing to have a go, fail miserably, and have another go, success won't happen." - Phillip Adams

"Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company." - Scott Adams

"If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?" - Scott Adams

"People have learned to ignore Web ads that don't move, so lately advertisers are only willing to pay for pop-up ads. Someday, after you learn to ignore pop-up ads too, then the advertisers will have to drive to your house and tattoo ads directly on your body. You'll be nostalgic for the good old days of pop-up ads. Enjoy them while you can." - Scott Adams

"There's nothing more humbling than seeing your best quotes in a list, and thinking they could have been written by a coma patient with a keyboard and spasms." - Scott Adams

"You don't have to be a 'person of influence' to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me." - Scott Adams

"Dilbert: Don't get too close to my lab today. I'm using radiation to mutate new species of vegetables.

Dogbert: Isn't that dangerous?

Dilbert: Funny, the broccoli asked me the same question." - Scott Adams, Dilbert

"I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either." - Scott Adams, Dilbert

"I found some numbers that support your strategic plan. I had to take the square root of a negative number to do it. The timeline is on this mobius strip." - Scott Adams, Dilbert

"I had to make some optimistic assumptions to meet the revenue target. In week three, we're visited by an alien named D'utox Inag who offers to share his advanced technology." - Scott Adams, Dilbert

"Starting today the company will begin random drug testing. Although it would be illegal to search your car or home for drugs... We have found no ethical problem with sucking the blood out of your body. Results will be posted in the cafeteria." - Scott Adams, Dilbert

"Dogbert: You mean, why don't I take dead animals, cook them until they become carcinogenic, then eat them instead of something nutritious? Is that your question?" - Scott Adams, Dilbert

"You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say it's a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway." - Scott Adams, The Dilbert Future: Thriving on Business Stupidity in the 21st Century

"Until I obtained good taste, I thought the proper number of pillows for a bed was one per head. It's embarrassing to think how wrong I was. Thanks to the help of a professional decorator, and Pam, my bed now has fifteen pillows. Six of them are big honkers that look very impressive until they are thrown on the floor at night. Four of them are decorative pillows featuring the cheerful faces of various dogs; those go on the floor at night too. One pillow is a log-shaped thing called a bolster; it has no purpose that I can discern. Two are "Bucky(tm)" pillows that support one's neck should that become necessary on an emergency basis. When not in use, they go on the floor with the bolster.

And then there are two pillows that can be used for -- of all things -- your head. Those stay on the bed." - Scott Adams, Dilbert Newsletter 31.0

"Most issues are not black and white. I'm suspicious of anyone who has a firm belief about anything." - Scott Adams, Seven Years of Highly Defective People: Scott Adams' Guided Tour of the Origins and Evolution of Dilbert

"Wouldn't it be great to own an elf?" - Scott Adams, Seven Years of Highly Defective People: Scott Adams' Guided Tour of the Origins and Evolution of Dilbert

"Nothing could be worse than the fear that one had given up too soon, and left one unexpended effort that might have saved the world." - Jane Addams

"It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them." - Alfred Adler

"If the Aborigine drafted an I.Q. test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it." - Stella Adler

"We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great one to public office." - Aesop

"A wise man never knows all, only fools know everything." - African Proverb

"Until lions have their historians, tales of the hunt shall always glorify the hunter." - African proverb

"New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time." - James Agate

"Hate has a reason for everything. But love is unreasonable." - V. Raiuhes Ahaefvthe

"If we were to wake up some morning and find that everyone was the same race, creed and color, we would find some other cause for prejudice by noon." - George Aiken

"I'm not letting my kids eat any more potato chips that have Pokemon coins inside since we all know that they have a material that gets into the skin of the potato, then into their stomachs and then causes infertility." - parent's letter to the editor of the semi-official daily paper in Saudi Arabia, Al-Ahram (full article at

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." - Herm Albright

"I really do think we are watching two old, stubborn men who have had a lifetime hatred of each other being played out on a scene where hundreds of people are endangered and people are dying... They need to forget their personal animosity and think about the national interests of their people." - Madeleine Albright (on Arafat and Sharon)

"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

"Let my name stand among those who are willing to bear ridicule and reproach for the truth's sake, and so earn some right to rejoice when the victory is won." - Louisa May Alcott

"You don't need scores of suitors, you only need one... if he's the right one." - Louisa May Alcott, Little Women

"If at first you don't succeed, you're running about average." - M. H. Alderson

"If it's true that unprotected sex with someone is like having sex with everyone they had sex with, and everyone they had sex with, and so-on, then that must mean that in some roundabout way most of us have had sex with Kevin Bacon." - Paul Aldredge (stolen from Ruminations)

"The sad truth is that excellence makes people nervous." - Shana Alexander

"The man who views the world at fifty the same as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life." - Muhammad Ali

"We're obviously going to spend a lot in marketing because we think the product sells itself." - Jim Allchin, a Microsoft executive (on Microsoft's plans to spend a billion dollars to promote Windows XP), ZDNet

"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized." - Fred Allen

"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted." - Fred Allen

"I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there." - Fred Allen

"What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?" - Fred Allen

"Leisure time is that five or six hours when you sleep at night." - George Allen

"If there is a God, the phrase that must disgust him is -- holy war." - Steve Allen

"Men will take almost any kind of criticism except the observation that they have no sense of humor." - Steve Allen

"The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone." - Woody Allen

"I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse." - Woody Allen

"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions." - Woody Allen

"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly." - Woody Allen

"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else" - Woody Allen

"Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing 'Embraceable You' in spats." - Woody Allen

"Some guy hit my fender, and I said to him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words." - Woody Allen

"When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room." - Woody Allen

"All I really needed to learn I learned in kindergarten. Don't move. Sit still. Shut up. Don't rock the boat. Don't make waves. Don't ask questions. Follow orders. Accept your lot in life. Follow the path chosen for you. Please others. Ask permission first. Keep up with the Joneses. Follow trends. Aspire to the norm. Stay inside the lines. Eyes on your own paper. Never switch position. Accept and employ categorization. Don't attract attention. Keep your head down and your eyes shut. Do not attempt to make changes. This has all been preordained. Don't take a chance. Ignore your conscience. This is all there is. Remain silent. Obey." - Alley Cat #4

"So many tangles in life are so ultimately hopeless that we have no appropriate sword other than laughter." - Gordon W. Allport

"Remember, when you're with me, it's the only time you're not the strangest person in the room, so go ahead, get weird on me." - Ally McBeal

"Sometimes when you hold out for everything, you walk away with nothing." - Ally McBeal

"Hate is baggage. Life's too short to be pissed off all the time. It's just not worth it." - Danny, American History X

"We judge others by their acts, but ourselves by our intentions." - American Proverb

"The battles you fight in your souls everyday are the toughest ones to overcome." - Ameya

"The man who insists upon seeing with perfect clearness before he decides, never decides. Accept life and you must accept regret." - Henri Frederic Amiel

"You desire to know the art of living, my friend? It is contained in one phrase: make use of suffering." - Henri F. Amiel

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