"You know what seems odd to me? Numbers that aren't divisible by two." - Michael Wolf (stolen from Ruminations)

"If you observe a really happy man you will find him building a boat, writing a symphony, educating his son, growing double dahlias, or looking for dinosaur eggs in the Gobi Desert.

He will not be searching for happiness as if it were a collar button that had rolled under the radiator, striving for it as the goal itself. He will have become aware that he is happy in the course of living life 24 crowded hours of each day." - W. Beran Wolfe

"Where's the leader who leads me? I'm still waiting." - Wolfsheim

"You made me doubt, you made me fear. But now I'm not the same." - Wolfsheim

"You speak of loneliness but here's a soul adoring you. It's a wounded heart, it breaks in two, and in its pain it sings for you." - Wolfsheim

"No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness." - Mary Wollstonecraft

"There is a marvelous story of a man who once stood before God, his heart breaking from the pain and injustice in the world. 'Dear God,' he cried out, 'look at all the suffering, the anguish and distress in your world. Why don't you send help?' God responded, 'I did send help. I sent you.' When we tell our children that story, we must tell them that each one of them was sent to help repair the broken world - and that it is not just the task of an instant or of a year, but of a lifetime." - David J. Wolpe

"There is a story about Charles II, who once invited fellows of the Royal Society to explain to him why a fish when it is dead weighs more than when it was alive. The fellows responded with ingenious explanations, until the king pointed out that what he had told them was just not true." - Lewis Wolpert

"A commentary on the times is that the word 'honesty' is now preceded by 'old-fashioned." - Larry Wolters

"I've never understood the point of ecstasy. I think if I wanted to get dehydrated and jump about with a load of people I've never met before I could go to a Methodist barn dance." - Victoria Wood

"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are." - John Wooden

"We've been getting a lot of people applying for jobs saying, 'I want to get back my waiter roots.' I'm like, 'You are a dot-com tragedy, and you need a job,'" - Allyson Woodman, a manager at Park Chow near Golden Gate Park, San Francisco Chronicle

"For most of history, Anonymous was a woman." - Virginia Woolf

"If we don't believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don't believe in it at all." - Adeline Virginia Stephen Woolf

"I thought how unpleasant it is to be locked out; and I thought how it is worse, perhaps, to be locked in." - Virginia Woolf

"It is much more important... to be yourselves, than anything else" - Adeline Virginia Stephen Woolf, A Room of One's Own

"The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. And there was a knock at the door..." - The World's Shortest Horror Story

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time" - Steven Wright

"Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting." - Steven Wright

"Four years ago... No it was yesterday.
Today I... No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I... No I don't." - Steven Wright

"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here'." - Steven Wright

"I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish." - Steven Wright

"I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, 'Steven, time to go to sleep.' I said, 'But I don't know how.' She said, 'It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.' So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said 'I thought I told you to go to sleep.'" - Steven Wright

"I filled out an application that said, 'In Case of Emergency Notify.' I wrote 'Doctor'... What's my mother going to do?" - Steven Wright

"I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it." - Steven Wright

"I had amnesia once or twice." - Steven Wright

"I had my coat-hangers spayed." - Steven Wright

"I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because I know it will be up all night." - Steven Wright

"I have an inferiority complex, it's just not a very good one." - Steven Wright

"I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, 'Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it.'" - Steven Wright

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it." - Steven Wright

"I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'Got any shoes you're not using?'" - Steven Wright

"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering." - Steven Wright

"I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. 'What are you making?' 'A salt lick.'" - Steven Wright

"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast any time.' So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance." - Steven Wright

"I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, 'I think I might have written that.'" - Steven Wright

"I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, 'They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.'" - Steven Wright

"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died." - Stephen Wright

"Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday." - Steven Wright

"It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others." - Steven Wright

"My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old." - Steven Wright

"My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, then forget it.'" - Steven Wright

"My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.'" - Steven Wright

"My watch is three hours fast. I can't seem to get it fixed, so I'm moving to New York." - Steven Wright

"Next week I'm going to get an MRI to find out if I have claustrophobia." - Steven Wright

"Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow." - Steven Wright

"The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Wright

"When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic." - Steven Wright

"When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, 'Day 1 - Still tired from the move. Day 2 - Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.'" - Steven Wright

"When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child, eventually." - Steven Wright

"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'" - Steven Wright

"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?" - Steven Wright

"Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, you have to put your two cents in?' Somebody's making a penny." - Steven Wright

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" - Stephen Wright

"You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time." - Steven Wright

"Sometimes in an intimate face, I cannot recognize anything more than the marks that death will leave behind" - Wumpscut

"In a strange way, I had fallen in love with my depression... I loved it because I thought it was all I had. I thought depression was the part of my character that made me worthwhile. I thought so little of myself, felt that I had such scant offerings to give to the world, that the one thing that justified my existence at all was my agony." - Elizabeth Wurtzel

"Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths." - Lois Wyse (stolen from quoteofthemoment)

To get quotes from me and others in the mail:

Alphabetical index of quotes
Quotes of Aa through Am
Quotes of An through Az
Quotes of Ba through Bi
Quotes of Bj through Bz
Quotes of Ca through Ch
Quotes of Ci through Cz
Quotes of D
Quotes of E
Quotes of F
Quotes of G
Quotes of Ha through He
Quotes of Hf through Hz
Quotes of I and J
Quotes of K
Quotes of L
Quotes of Ma through Mc
Quotes of Md through Mz
Quotes of N and O
Quotes of P
Quotes of Q
Quotes of R
Quotes of Sa through Sh
Quotes of Si through St
Quotes of Su through Sz
Quotes of T
Quotes of U and V
Quotes of Wa through Wi
Quotes of Wj through Wz
Quotes of X through Z
Quotes I've heard from people I've known
Quote Home