This is a collection of quotes that is still growing. If you have any comments on
these quotes, or others you'd like to share email me
but PLEASE don't send me any anonymous or self quotes.

This page was filled on July 20, 2001

"I think the world is run by C students." - Al McGuire

"Anyone who has accustomed himself to regard the life of any living creature as worthless is in danger of arriving also at the idea of worthless human lives." - Albert Schweitzer

"When we are angry we may not know how to find peace, but we can find peace if we are willing to spend some time walking." - Jon Mundy

"Pile up too many tomorrows and you'll find that you've collected nothing but a bunch of empty yesterdays." - Meredith Willson, The Music Man

"If you risk nothing, then you risk everything." - Geena Davis

"I believe she would be jealous of a fine day, if her husband praised it." - Hannah More

"Friends aren't jumper cables. You don't throw them into the trunk and pull them out for emergencies." - Charlie Krueger

"This girl, if you asked her if the glass was half-full or half-empty she'd say it was breakable." - Steven K. (about me)

"Riff: Well Torg, it worked. I succeeded in summoning Satan into my computer.
Torg: How do ya know you got *The* Satan, instead of a lesser demon?
Riff: He installed Windows 95 on my system.
Torg: Win95? But Riff, you have a Mac!
Riff: Got any holy-water lying around here?" - Pete Abrams, Sluggy

"Long-term planning is not about making long-term decisions. It is about understanding the future consequences of today's decisions." - Gary Ryan Blair

"The game of life is a game of boomerangs. Our thoughts, deeds and words return to us sooner or later, with astounding accuracy." - Florence Scovel Shinn

"Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything." - Frank Dane

"The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success." - Tomorrow Never Dies

"If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side." - Stuart Turner

"I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish." - Steven Wright

"A clever person solves a problem, A wise person avoids it." - Albert Einstein

"A bird that you set free may be caught again, but a word that escapes your lips will not return." - Jewish Proverb

"In literature as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by others." - Andre Maurois

"'I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.' How ridiculous. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: 'Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America,' or 'Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II.'" - Dave Barry, An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar

"Surrounding yourself with dwarfs does not make you a giant." - Yiddish Proverb

"To give your sheep or cow a large spacious meadow is the way to control him." - Shunryu Suzuki

"Imagination was given to us to compensate for what we are not; a sense of humor was provided to console us for what we are." - Mack McGinnis

"Forget your mistakes, but remember what they taught you." - Dorothy Galyean

"To be outspoken when truth is under attack, when charity is being bruised, or when important issues of life are at stake is a good and courageous thing. To be outspoken when nothing is at stake except the feelings of someone else is a small and contemptible thing." - Lawrence G. Lovasik

"No nation was ever ruined by trade." - Benjamin Franklin

"If the Aborigine drafted an I.Q. test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it." - Stella Adler

"He left us and we rejoiced; then an even more unbearable person came." - Arabic proverb

"To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say, well done. And to the C students, I say, you too can be president of the United States." - George W. Bush at Yale's graduation

"Mankind's true moral test, its fundamental test (which lies deeply buried from view), consists of its attitude towards those who are at its mercy: animals. And in this respect mankind has suffered a fundamental debacle, a debacle so fundamental that all others stem from it." - Milan Kundera

"All these rumors about [Tom Cruise] being gay. I don't believe it. I don't believe it for one minute. He hasn't been to one of my shows." - Bette Midler

"The secret of my success is that no woman has ever been jealous of me." - Elsa Maxwell

"I will not be as those who spend the day in complaining of headache, and the night in drinking the wine that gives it." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"Hate has a reason for everything. But love is unreasonable." - V. Raiuhes Ahaefvthe

"Democrats are the party that says government can make you richer, smarter, taller and get the chickweed out of your lawn. Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then they get elected to prove it." - P.J. O'Rourke

"I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends." - Walt Whitman

"'All is fair in love and war' - what a contemptible lie!" - Robert Heinlein

"We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us really happy is something to be enthusiastic about." - Charles Kingsley

"Adam was the only man who, when he said a good thing, knew that nobody had said it before him." - Mark Twain

"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly." - Woody Allen

"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote!" - Ben Franklin

"A man builds a fine house; and now he has a master, and a task for life; he is to furnish, watch, show it, and keep it in repair, the rest of his days." - Ralph Waldo Emerson, Society and Solitude: Works and Days

"Take away the miseries and you take away some folks' reason for living." - Toni Cade Bambara

"Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely." - Karen Kaiser Clark

"There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, 'Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've got dreams.' Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they're still there. These are great dreams, but they never even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line, to hold them up and say, 'How good or how bad am I?' That's where courage comes in." - Erma Louise Bombeck

"Never appeal to a man's 'better nature.' He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage." - Robert Heinlein

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to believe." - Laurence J. Peter

"The shadows we see on the walls in front of us come from the flashlight we hold behind us." - David Nicoll

"One who looks for a friend without faults will have none." - Hasidic Saying

"Does Tufnel's amp still go to 11?" - Nikki Weinstein
"Nigels's amp--the famous 11 amp--it now has a little infinity symbol on it. As long as you keep turning the know, it just keeps getting louder. And we haven't really found the limit yet." - David St. Hubbins of Spinal Tap in an interview in Time Out New York for May 31, 2001

"And the best thing you ever did for me, was to help me take life less seriously. It's only life after all." - Indigo Girls

"If you are afraid of being lonely, don't try to be right." - Jules Renard

"To think is easy. To act is hard. But the hardest thing in the world is to act in accordance with your thinking." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not." - H.L. Mencken

"Never claim as a right what you can ask as a favor." - John Churton Collins

"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'" - Steven Wright

"Violet is purple." - Graffiti in women's room at DanceCave in Toronto

"Are anybody's parents typical?" - Madeleine L'Engle

"If we cannot live so as to be happy, let us least live so as to deserve it." - Immanuel Hermann Fichte

"The memo also advises officers addressing a transgendered person to not say 'freak,' 'he-she,' 'she-male' or 'it.'" - NY1
(Cops need a memo to know that calling transgendered people freaks is a bad idea???)

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it." - Mitch Hedberg

"What's terrible is to pretend that the second-rate is first-rate. To pretend that you don't need love when you do; or you like your work when you know quite well you're capable of better." - Doris Lessing

"Psychiatrists classify a person as neurotic if he suffers from his problems in living, and as psychotic if he makes others suffer." - Thomas Szasz

"Most people don't know there are angels whose only job is to make sure you don't get too comfortable and fall asleep and miss your life." - Brian Andreas

"I am the kind of paranoic in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy." - J.D. Salinger

"There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else." - James Thurber

"A person should want to live, if only out of curiosity." - Yiddish Proverb

"It is organized violence on top, which creates individual violence on bottom." - Emma Goldman

"Piņero has missed the putt, I wonder what he's thinking in Spanish." - Renton Laidlaw (a golf commentator)

"When we can no longer change a situation we are challenged to change ourselves." - Victor Frankl

"A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it." - Jean De La Fontaine

"To limit the press is to insult a nation; to prohibit reading of certain books is to declare the inhabitants to be either fools or slaves." - Claude Adrien Helvetius

"If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there." - Texas Bix Bender

"Every man who possibly can should force himself to a holiday of a full month in a year, whether he feels like taking it or not." - William James

"Sam: What are you up to Norm?
Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall." - Cheers

"If the truth were to be known, everyone would be wearing a scarlet letter of one form or another. - Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter

"It is such a secret place, the land of tears." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'." - Bob Newhart

"If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom." - Robert Frost

"I found some numbers that support your strategic plan. I had to take the square root of a negative number to do it. The timeline is on this mobius strip." - Scott Adams, Dilbert

"How's life treating you Norm?
Norm: Beats me, kicks me, and then leaves me for dead." - Cheers

"Stay sane inside insanity." - Rocky Horror Picture Show

"There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all." - Robert Orben

"I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one." - Steven Wright

"When I was very young, I was disgracefully intolerant but when I passed the thirty mark I prided myself on having learned the beautiful lesson that all things were good, and equally good. That, however, was really laziness. Now, thank goodness, I've sorted out what matters and what doesn't. And I'm beginning to be intolerant again." - G.B. Stern

"I had to make some optimistic assumptions to meet the revenue target. In week three, we're visited by an alien named D'utox Inag who offers to share his advanced technology." - Scott Adams, Dilbert

"Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better." - Ed Howe

"It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them." - Agatha Christie

"Murder is a crime. Describing murder is not. Sex is not crime. Describing sex is." - Gershon Legman

"I get sick of listening to straight people complain about 'Well, hey, we don't have a heterosexual pride day. Why do you need a gay pride day?' I remember when I was a kid I'd always ask my mom: 'Why don't we have a kid's day? We have a Mother's Day and a Father's Day, but why don't we have a kid's day?' My mom would always say, 'Every day is kid's day.' To all those heterosexuals that bitch about gay pride, I say the same thing: 'Every day is heterosexual pride day! Can't you people enjoy your banquet and not piss on those of us enjoying our crumbs over here in the corner?'" - Rob Nash

"Adventure is the result of poor planning." - Col. Blatchford Snell

"Better shun the bait than struggle in the snare." - John Dryden

"When the master has come to do everything through the slave, the slave becomes his master, since he cannot live without him." - George Bernard Shaw

"It is one thing to be tempted, another thing to fall." - William Shakespeare

"Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. 'Get out' and 'I never want to see you again' might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, 'I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children.' Sometimes they leave skid marks." - Jerry Seinfeld

"To be occasionally quoted is the only fame I care for." - Alexander Smith

"The breakfast of champions is not cereal, it's the opposition." - Nick Seitz

"Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another." - Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

"We are so vain that we even care for the opinion of those we don't care for." - Marie Ebner von Eschenbach

"Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." - Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

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Signature quotes
Alphabetical index of quotes