This page was filled on September 10, 2001

"I have no interest in 'doing it like they do it on the Discovery channel'. I'd much rather do it like they do it on the Sci-Fi channel." - Sal D.

"Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few." - George Bernard Shaw

"People prefer to stay with problems they understand rather than look for solutions they're uncomfortable with." - Bits and Pieces

"If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend." - Doug Larson

"We've been getting a lot of people applying for jobs saying, 'I want to get back my waiter roots.' I'm like, 'You are a dot-com tragedy, and you need a job,'" - Allyson Woodman, a manager at Park Chow near Golden Gate Park, San Francisco Chronicle

"The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn." - David Russell

"If you can't trust me with a choice, how can you trust me with a child?" - bumper sticker

"I'd rather have roses on my table than diamonds on my neck." - Emma Goldman

"I would be most happy if my children grew up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists of building enough bookshelves." - Anna Quindlen

"When something like this happens, you suddenly have no sense of reality at all. You have lost a piece of your past. The infidelity itself is small potatoes compared to the low-level brain damage that results when a whole chunk of your life turns out to have been completely different from what you thought it was. It becomes impossible to look back at anything that's happened... without wondering what was really going on." - Nora Ephron

"The purpose of studying economics is not to acquire a set of ready-made answers to economic questions, but to learn how to avoid being deceived by economists." - Joan Robinson

"Most people die with their music still locked up inside them." - Benjamin Disraeli

"The words of the great spiritual teachers are like fingers pointed at the moon; if you watch the finger, you can't see the moon." - Buddhist saying

"One day Chao-Chou fell down in the snow and called out, 'Help me up! Help me up!' A monk came and lay down beside him. Chao-Chou got up and went away." - Zen koan

"The zoo is a prison for animals who have been sentenced without trial and I feel guilty because I do nothing about it. I wanted to see an oyster-catcher, so I was no better than the people who caged the oyster-catcher for me to see." - Russell Hoban

"If there were only one person in the world, is there any way he could be insane?" - Robert M. Pirsig, Lila

"No way of thinking, however ancient, can be trusted without proof." - Henry David Thoreau, Walden

"According to a recent study in 'Bride' magazine, women who are engaged say they have sex on the average of 2.9 times a week. And they say that .9 is really frustrating." - Jay Leno

"Until lions have their historians, tales of the hunt shall always glorify the hunter." - African proverb

"The big corporations are suddenly taking notice of the web, and their reactions have been slow. Even the computer industry failed to see the importance of the Internet, but that's not saying much. Let's face it, the computer industry failed to see that the century would end." - Douglas Adams

"They had things on the Brady Bunch that I never saw in my house. Breakfast, for example." - Richard Jeni

"I had amnesia once or twice." - Steven Wright

"You can tell a lot about a person by how excited they are to do the Macarena." - Janeane Garofalo

"What a strange illusion it is to suppose that beauty is goodness." - Leo Tolstoy

"If email had been around before the telephone was invented, people would have said, 'Hey, forget email! With this new telephone invention I can actually talk to people!'" - The Executive Speechwriter Newsletter

"Wait, I just remembered something! You're boring and my legs work." - Just Shoot Me

"Your attempt to live a life of the mind will prove less successful than your attempt to live a life of the stomach." - Cancer's (my) horoscope in The Onion on August 1, 2001

"I'm an optimist, but I'm an optimist that carries a raincoat." - Harold Wilson

"You can't brag that you're humble... and be humble." -- Terry McEwen

"Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Re-engineering Consultant: That glass is twice as large as it needs to be." - The Economics Press

"Everyone is ignorant, only on different subjects." - Will Rogers

"Tolerance of dissent is the hallmark of a mature party, and it is well past time for the Republican Party to grow up." - Senator John McCain

"Often, we don't recognize real moments of happiness in our lives because we've been expecting something different- something bigger or perhaps more dramatic." - Joan Lunden

"Let me tell you about Florida politicians. I make them out of whole cloth, just like a tailor makes a suit. I get their name in the newspaper. I get them some publicity and get them on the ballot. Then after the election, we count the votes. And if they don't turn out right, we recount them. And recount them again. Until they do." - Key Largo

"It was not... that she was unaware of the frayed and ragged edges of life. She would merely iron them out with a firm hand and neatly hem them down." - P.D. James

"Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened." - Rita Rudner

"We worry about what a child will be tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today." - Stacia Tauscher

"When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment." - Warren Farrell

"I see you standing, standing on your own. It's such a lonely place for you, for you to be. If you need a shoulder or if you need a friend I'll be here standing until the bitter end. No one needs the sorrow, no one needs the pain. I hate to see you walking out there, out in the rain. So don't chastise me or think I... mean you harm... Don't ever leave me. Say you'll always be there. All I ever wanted was for you to know that I care." - Guns N' Roses

"The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance." - Laurence J. Peter

"The fellow who says he'll meet you halfway usually thinks he's standing on the dividing line." - Orlando A. Battista

"Wouldn't one or two anal probes tell aliens everything they need to know about that particular facet of human physiology? Maybe their ships run on methane and they're just re-fueling." - Kevin Wickart

"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men." - Matthew 5:13-16

"People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim." - Ann Landers

"Next time someone comes to your house to tell you that your husband has been shot, you should at least try to act surprised." - Cancer's (my) horoscope in last week's Onion

"Defense of Marriage? It's like the old V-8 commercial. As though if this act didn't pass, heterosexual men all over the country would say, [smacking head] 'I could have married a guy!'" -Rep. Barney Frank

"I have great faith in fools - self-confidence my friends call it." - Edgar Allen Poe

"He can climb the highest mountain or swim the biggest ocean. He can fly the fastest plane and fight the strongest tiger. My father can do anything. But most of the time he just carries out the garbage." - Class composition written by an eight-year-old student

"No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend." - Groucho Marx

"In Wisconsin, a man has been arrested for peeing in his boss' bottle of Mountain Dew. The man was later released when police found out he didn't pee in the bottle - Mountain Dew always tastes that way." - Conan O'Brien

"Pete and Repeat were sitting on a wall. Pete fell off. Who was left? Repeat." - Bruce Nauman

"Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does." - Jean-Paul Sartre

This was written by a student applying to college. He ended up attending NYU:
"3A. ESSAY
IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college."

"What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About?" - Rodney Lee

"Our generation has been brought up on the idea of keeping our options open. But if you keep all your options open, you can't do anything." - Anonymous

"I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way." - Franklin Pierce Adams

"Ignorance is a voluntary misfortune." - Nicholas Ling

"I love the story of what happened during the days of the Berlin Wall. One day some of the East Berliners decided they were going to send their West Berlin adversaries a little 'gift.' They loaded a dump truck with garbage, broken bricks, stones, building material, and anything else with zero value. They drove the truck across the border, gained clearance, and dumped it on the West Berlin side. Needless to say, the West Berliners were incensed and were going to 'get even' with them. Fortunately, a very wise man intervened and gave entirely different counsel. As a result, they responded and loaded a dump truck with food (which was scarce in East Berlin), clothing (also scarce), medical supplies (even scarcer), a host of other essential items. They took the truck across the border, carefully unloaded it all, and left a neat sign that read, 'Each gives according to his ability to give.'" - Zig Zagler

"It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument." - William G. McAdoo

"Knowledge is of two kinds. We know a subject ourselves, or we know where we can find information on it." - Dr. Samuel Johnson

"In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work things out for the sake of the apartment." - David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day

"The best way to escape from a problem is to solve it." - Alan Saporta

"Based on the above chart, it would seem that the minds at Filler are encouraging you to engage in a very immature mindset and outlook on life. If this baffles or disturbs you, please refresh your memory of our editorial slant by rereading the title of this publication." - suck.com

"The intelligent man is one who has successfully fulfilled many accomplishments, and is yet willing to learn more." - Ed Parker

"To teach is to learn twice." - Joseph Joubert

"Trade barriers constitute isolation; isolation gives rise to hatred, hatred to war, and war to invasion." - Frederic Bastiat

"A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour." - Anonymous

"Do not assume that she who seeks to comfort you now, lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. Her life may also have much sadness and difficulty, that remains far beyond yours. Were it otherwise, she would never have been able to find these words." - Rainer Maria Rilke

"Learn how to be happy with what you have while you pursue all that you want." - Jim Rohn

"Part of the American dream is to live long and die young." - Edgar Z. Friedenberg

"Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely." - Karen Kaiser

"A mediocre idea that generates enthusiasm will go farther than a great idea that inspires no one." - Mary Kay Ash

"We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have never deceived us." - Samuel Johnson

"I had already learned from more than a decade of political life that I was going to be criticized no matter what I did, so I might as well be criticized for something I wanted to do." - Rosalynn Carter

"You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time." - Steven Wright

"No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks." - Mary Shelley

"There is no expedient to which the average person will not go to avoid the hard work of thinking." - Joshua Reynolds

"I'm never going to be famous. My name will never be writ large on the roster of Those Who Do Things. I don't do any thing. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more." - Dorothy Parker

"Not being beautiful was the true blessing. Not being beautiful forced me to develop my inner resources. The pretty girl has a handicap to overcome." - Golda Meir

"Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." - Soren Kierkegaard

"Sometimes it's a form of love just to talk to somebody that you have nothing in common with and still be fascinated by their presence." - David Byrne

"Patriotism is often an arbitrary veneration of real estate above principles." - George Jean Nathan

"We never get upset over what happens. Never. We get upset because of preconceived ideas as to what we think should happen, what we want to happen. When our preference clashes with the reality, we get hurt. Rid yourself of all preconceived ideas as to what should happen. You are then at peace whatever happens." - Vernon Howard

"I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. 'What are you making?' 'A salt lick.'" - Steven Wright

"We judge others by their acts, but ourselves by our intentions." - American Proverb

"To forget a friend is sad, not everyone has had a friend." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them." - Samuel Butler

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life." - Emo Philips

"Disturbed people can be treated. I'm even worse, I'm moody." - suck.com

"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you." - Jean-Paul Sartre

"The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact than a drunken man is happier than a sober one." - George Bernard Shaw

"What people don't understand is that the drinking, casual sex, and off-color jokes are the only way of coping with the pressures of video-store clerking." - Pisces (my boyfriend's) horoscope in last week's Onion

"We're obviously going to spend a lot in marketing because we think the product sells itself." - Jim Allchin, a Microsoft executive (on Microsoft's plans to spend a billion dollars to promote Windows XP), ZDNet

"Friends are relatives you make for yourself." - Eustache Descamps

"I've suffered a great many catastrophes in my life. Most of them never happened." - Will Rogers

"There is about as much educational benefit to be gained in studying dolphins in captivity as there would be studying mankind by only observing prisoners held in solitary confinement." - Jacques Cousteau

"Ed & Ivy: Together for the time being." - graffiti in the women's bathroom at Hunter College

"Many people have trouble sticking to their resolutions, and there is a simple scientific explanation for this. In 1987, a team of psychologists conducted a study in which they monitored the New Year's resolutions of 275 people. After one week the psychologists found that 92 percent of the people were keeping their resolutions; after two weeks we have no idea what happened because the psychologists had quit monitoring." - Dave Barry

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