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"Waste not fresh tears over old griefs." - Euripides

"Don't let yesterday use up too much of today." - Native American Proverb

"Captain's log: a bunch of our ship fell off, and nobody likes me." - Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie

"In every man there is something wherein I may learn of him, and in that I am his pupil." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?" - Jerry Seinfeld

"I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He'd get right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn't have the right answers, mister, you'd be peeling potatoes or changing the latrine. Hey, wait. I wasn't in the army. Then who WAS that guy?!" - Jack Handey

"The internet today reminds me of the early days of television... I mean, we used to sit around and watch test patterns on the screen and go 'oooh, ahhh!'" - Will Penna

"He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away." - Raymond Hull

"Life is just a series of trying to make up your mind." - Timothy Fuller

"Should our moral beliefs really prove to be dependent on factual assumptions shown to be incorrect, it would be hardly moral to defend them by refusing to acknowledge the facts." - F.A. Hayek

"Atheism requires too much faith." - Andrew C. Bulhak

"There is a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path" - The Matrix

"I'm an idealist: I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way." - Carl Sandburg

"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here'." - Steven Wright

"Most men's conscience, habits, and opinions are borrowed from convention and gather continually comforting assurances from the same social consensus that originally suggested them." - George Santayana

"Why does the feeling of emptiness occupy so much space?" - De La Vega

"He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, 'Dust to dust,' some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, 'I'll be waiting for you in heaven---with a gun.'" - Jack Handey

"Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting." - Karl Wallenda

"Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment." - Benjamin Franklin

"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted." - Fred Allen

"If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?" - Scott Adams

"They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days." - Garrison Keillor

"There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them." - Joseph Brodsky

"Doubt is the beginning, not the end, of wisdom." - George Iles

"If anyone can show me, and prove to me, that I am wrong in thought or deed, I will gladly change. I seek the truth, which never yet hurt anybody. It is only persistence in self-delusion and ignorance which does harm." - Marcus Aurelius

"No, I don't know that Atheists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered as patriots. This is one nation under God." - George Herbert Walker Bush

"If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed." - Albert Einstein

"I don't measure a man's success by how high he climbs but by how high he bounces when he hits bottom." - General George Patton

"Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive." - George Carlin

"I love you, not for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you." - Roy Croft

"iMac compatible" - outside packaging on a Mead Laserline MOUSEPAD

"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." - Kris Kristofferson

"Hobie: I don't lie to you, Kit."
Kit: That... is the most outrageous lie you have ever told me." - Dorothy Parker, Dusk Before Fireworks

"It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change." - Charles Darwin

"People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. Love them anyway. If you do good, people may accuse you of selfish motives. Do good anyway. If you are successful, you may win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. People who really want help may attack you if you help them. Help them anyway. Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt. Give the world your best anyway." - Mother Teresa

"The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can." - Margo Kaufman

"Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed." - Mark Twain

"Know how to listen, and you will profit even from those who talk badly." - Plutarch

"One great use of words is to hide our thoughts." - Voltaire

"Cultivate your own capabilities, your own style. Appreciate the members of your family for who they are, even though their outlook or style may be miles different from yours. Rabbits don't fly. Eagles don't swim. Ducks look funny trying to climb. Squirrels don't have feathers. Stop comparing. There's plenty of room in the forest." - Chuck Swindoll

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." - Dan Quayle

"I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters." - Solomon Short

"If I had my life to live over I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage." - Erma Bombeck

"I am bigger than anything that can happen to me. All these things, sorrow, misfortune, and suffering, are outside my door. I am in the house, and I have the key." - Charles Fletcher Lummis
"But THEY know how to pick locks. And they're coming in. Because that's the sort of thing that happens when somebody thinks that all the bad stuff is locked outside." - Daniel O.

"I gotta be me... everybody else turned down the job." - Tom Wilson, Ziggy

"In New York, fuck isn't even a word. It's a comma." - Lewis Black

"Beware of people carrying ideas. Beware of ideas carrying people." - Barbara Grizzuti Harrison

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become." - Charles Du Bos

"Every man has his secret sorrows, which the world knows not; and oftentimes we call a man cold when he is only sad." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing on one's own sunshine." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"When I stand before thee at the day's end, thou shalt see my scars and know that I had my wounds and also my healing." - Rabindranath Tagore

"When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic." - Steven Wright

"You're a scientist, but more important, you're a New Yorker. You were born with an innate skepticism, a natural sense of superiority in the way of the world." - Northern Exposure

"I believe that always, or almost always, in all childhoods and in all the lives that follow them, the mother represents madness. Our mothers always remain the strangest, craziest people we?ve ever met." - Mauguerite Dumas

"Act as if the future of the universe depends on what you do, while laughing at yourself for thinking that your actions make any difference." - Mihaly Csikzentmihalyi

"As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something." - Chris Browne, Hagar the Horrible

"Once, in the Orient, I talked of suicide with a sage whose clear and gentle eyes seemed forever to be gazing at a never-ending sunset. 'Dying is no solution,' he affirmed. 'And living?' I asked. 'Not living either,' he conceded. 'But, who tells you there is a solution?'" - Elie Wiesel

"Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, especially if the goods are worthless." - Sinclair Lewis

"Albert: I was adorable once. Young and full of hope. And now, look at me, I'm this short, fat, insecure, middle-aged thing!
Armand: I made you short?" - The Birdcage

Me: I like the way you logarithm.
Mike M.: I'd like to find the natural log of that chick.
Me: I've got your natural log right here, baby!

"A lot has been said about politics; some of it complimentary, but most of it accurate." - Eric Idle

"Propel, propel, propel your craft softly down liquid solution.
Ecstatically, ecstatically, ecstatically, ecstatically, Existence is simply illusion." - parody of "Row, row, row your boat", Mister Rogers' Neighborhood

"It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety." - Issac Asimov

"Reality is something you rise above." - Liza Minnelli

"A flower falls, even though we love it; and a weed grows, even though we do not love it." - Dogen

"Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up." - Robert Frost

"Anyone who conducts an argument by appealing to authority is not using his intelligence; he is just using his memory." - Leonardo Da Vinci

"Koo: What must we do to dare to contemplate ourselves thus before the supreme being without repugnance and without shame?
Ku-Su: Be just.
Koo: And what else?
Ku-Su: Be just." - Voltaire, Philosophical Dictionary

"If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions." - Pulp Fiction

"In their heads, it all makes sense. Nobody ever thinks they're the bad person." - The Talented Mr. Ripley

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. No use being a damned fool about it." - W.C. Fields

"Single-mindedness is all very well in cows or baboons; in an animal claiming to belong to the same species as Shakespeare it is simply disgraceful." - Aldous Huxley

"Guy: You know, you have to kiss a lot of frogs, before you find your prince.
Gwen: [kisses him] There, one frog closer." - Fired Up

"Procrastination is the thief of time." - Edward Young

"I have an inferiority complex, it's just not a very good one." - Steven Wright

"We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh"- Agnes Repplier

"We all have wings but some of us don't know why." - INXS

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction." - Albert Einstein (although I've also seen it attributed to E.F. Schumacher)

"We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all." - Eleanor Roosevelt

"Rupert is extremely radical. Do you know that he selects his books on the assumption that people not only can read but actually can think?" - Rope

"I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point." - Waterson, Calvin and Hobbes

"There is nothing harder than the softness of indifference." - Juan Montalvo

Groucho: So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?
Mrs. Smith: Yes, thirteen.
Groucho: Thirteen! Good lord, isn't that a burden?
Mrs. Smith: Well, I love my husband.
Groucho: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

"He has all the characteristics of a dog except loyalty." - Sam Houston

"If knowledge is power, and power corrupts, and corruption is crime, and crime doesn't pay... Does knowledge, in the end leave you broke?" - Anonymous

"I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, 'They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.'" - Steven Wright

"Who has deceived you so often as yourself?" - Benjamin Franklin

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy is then to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness." - Love and Death

"Never give an excuse that you would not be willing to accept." - Anonymous

"The saddest words of tongue or pen are those you didn't think of then." - Betsy Billipp

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." - Charles Schultz

"Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same." - George Bernard Shaw

"It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less." - Brendon Behan

"Minds are like parachutes: most people use them only as a last resort." - Ben Ostrowsky

"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering." - Steven Wright

"I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am." - Dr. Samuel Johnson

"You needn't love your enemy, but if you refrain from telling lies about him, you are doing well enough." - Ed Howe

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