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"This summer I want to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say 'Get a Life' on them." - Demitri Martin

"If there is something, you own that you can't give away you don't own it, it owns you." - Albert Schweitzer

"He had heard people speak contemptuously of money: he wondered if they had ever tried to do without it." - M. Somerset Maugham, Of Human Bondage

"What a day a difference makes." - Bits and Pieces

"Nothing more strongly arouses our disgust than cannibalism, yet we make the same impression on Buddhists and vegetarians, for we feed on babies, though not our own." - Robert Louis Stevenson

"Get happiness out of your work or you may never know what happiness is." - Elbert Hubbard

"Criticizing others is a dangerous thing, not so much because you may make mistakes about them, but because you may be revealing the truth about yourself." - Harold Medina

"The first principle is that you must not fool yourself - and you are the easiest person to fool." - Richard Feynman

"A free lunch is only found in mousetraps." - John Capuzz

"People often say that humans have always eaten animals, as if this is a justification for continuing the practice. According to this logic, we should not try to prevent people from murdering other people, since this has also been done since the earliest of times." - Isaac Bashevis Singer

"Based on my experience in Los Angeles, my advice to the public is not to eat meat." - Gregorio Natavidad, meat inspector

"I don't eat chicken anymore. I won't eat it. I won't allow it in my house." - Rodney Leonard, U.S. Poultry inspector

"If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity." - Bill Vaughan

"The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good." - Robert Graves

"I could not believe that anyone who had read this book would be so foolish as to proclaim that the Bible in every literal word was the divinely inspired, inerrant word of God. Have there people simply not read the text? Are they hopelessly misinformed? Is there a different Bible? Are they blinded by a combination of ego needs and naivete?" - Bishop John Shelby Spong

"No money of the state shall ever be given or appropriated to any sectarian or religious society or institution." - Thomas Jefferson, Virginia Constitution

"A hypocrite is a person who--but who isn't?" - Don Marquis

"See what will happen if you don't stop biting your fingernails?" - Will Rogers (to his niece on seeing the Venus de Milo)

"I've heard snappier comebacks from a bowl of Rice Krispies." - Charles Emerson Winchester III

"Hello seeker! Now don't feel alone here in the New Age, because there's a seeker born every minute." - The Firesign Theatre

"Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself as therapy." - Karl Kraus

"I wonder why it's called 'people watching' when 'people mocking' seems so much more appropriate?" - Luke Schollmeyer (stolen from Ruminations)

"Only sick music makes money today." - Friedrich Nietzsche (in 1888)

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy." - Ernest Benn

"A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel." - Robert Frost

"Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn't seem to be working." - Anonymous

"People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it." - Ogden Nash

"Nothing is said that has not been said before." - Terence (185-159 B.C.)

"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more." - Bill Hoest

"I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem." - Ashleigh Brilliant

"Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule." - Friedrich Nietzsche

"We need a president who's fluent in at least one language." - Buck Henry

"If you don't find it in the index, look very carefully through the entire catalogue." - Sears, Roebuck, and Co., Consumer's Guide, 1897

"The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything." - Goethe

"I hear too many people complain about standardized test scores and say that American students are getting dumber, especially when it comes to math. Hey, losers, show me another country where 50% of the students score ABOVE the national average!" - Jabberwock (stolen from Ruminations)

"We'll all go to Jerry's and have a wild orgy. Haras can take notes since she won't want to participate." - Alex S.

"Aristotle maintained that women have fewer teeth than men; although he was twice married, it never occured to him to verify this statement by examining his wives' mouths." - Bertrand Russell

"Who are you and how did you get in here?"
"I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith." - Police Squad

"If I'm not free to fail, I'm not free to take risks, and everything in life that's worth doing involves a willingness to risk failure." - Mrs. Hugh Franklin

"How much easier it is to be generous than just! Men are sometimes bountiful who are not honest. -Junius, (pseudonym of the unknown author of a series of letters published in a London newspaper during 1769-1772)

"It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help." - Miss Manners (Judith Martin)

"Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months." - Oscar Wilde

"If anyone says, 'I love God,' yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen." - 1 John 4:20

"All generalizations are dangerous, even this one." - Alexandre Dumas

"Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do" - The Simpsons

"Reality is something you rise above." - Liza Minnelli

"Adversity is the first path to truth." - George Gordon Byron

"A sense of duty is useful in work but offensive in personal relations." - Bertrand Russell

"It is one of the paradoxes of American literature that our writers are forever looking back with love and nostalgia at lives they couldn't wait to leave." - Anatole Broyard

"If it's true that unprotected sex with someone is like having sex with everyone they had sex with, and everyone they had sex with, and so-on, then that must mean that in some roundabout way most of us have had sex with Kevin Bacon." - Paul Aldredge (stolen from Ruminations)

"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." - Robert Orben

"If only someone would do for cows what Bambi did for deer. Cows have been in films, but they haven't starred. I'm still willing to eat a species that is only a supporting player." - Paula Poundstone

"Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless." - Sinclair Lewis

"Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with." - Bob Wells

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." ?George W. Bush

"Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper." - Robert Frost

"I will not condemn you for what you did yesterday, if you do it right today." - Sheldon S. Maye

"Learn to unlearn."- Benjamin Disraeli

"The national sport of England is obstacle racing. People fill their rooms with useless and cumbersome furniture, and spend the rest of their lives trying to dodge it." - Herbert Beerbohm Tree

"Never limit your view of life by any past experience." - Ernest Holmes, The Science of Mind

"What we see depends mainly on what we look for." - John Lubbock

"Man is what he believes." - Anton Chekhov

"A lie may take care of the present, but it has no future." - More of... The Best of Bits & Pieces

"I'm a city boy. In the big cities they've set it up so you can go to a park and be in a miniature countryside, but in the countryside they don't have any patches of big city, so I get very homesick." - Andy Warhol, The Philosophy of Andy Warhol: From A to B and Back Again

"If you are confused ask somebody. New Yorkers are very helpful. However, the first person you ask will give you the wrong answer. So ask loudly enough that others will overhear and make corrections. New Yorkers love to correct each other." - George Weller (stolen from Andi's Quotes)

"I never met a silence that I did not want to fill with chatter." - Professor Schwebel

"If you would be wealthy, think of saving as well as getting." - Benjamin Franklin

"The difference between loneliness and solitude is your perception of who you are alone with and who made the choice." - Readings from the Hurricane Island Outward Bound School

"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question." - George W. Bush

"A year before I went to medical school, I worked as an assistant in a morgue. One day I had to prepare a cadaver for examination. This was a heart attack victim. I cut in and removed a section of ribs. Then the mortician opened the heart, and the arteries were clogged with fatty deposits. Later, I went upstairs for lunch and in the hospital cafeteria they were serving ribs. The sight of those ribs was so similar to the section of human ribs I had just handled that I just couldn't eat them. That set me on the path to vegetarianism." - Dr. Neal Barnard, salon.com

"I don't pay any attention to him. I don't even ignore him." - Samuel Goldwyn

"The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer." - Henry David Thoreau

"It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that they are difficult." - Lucius Annaeus Seneca

"Experience is a comb that life gives you after you lose your hair." - Judith Stern

"I wish to say what I think and feel today, with the proviso that tomorrow perhaps I shall contradict it all." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Manners are just a formal expression of how you treat people." - Molly Ivins

"The true triumph of reason is that it enables us to get along with those who do not possess it." - Francois-Marie Arouet de Voltaire

"I am afraid to show you who I really am, because if I show you who I really am, you might not like it--and that's all I got." - Sabrina Ward Harrison

"Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true." - Demosthenes

"Leisure time is that five or six hours when you sleep at night." - George Allen

"Workaholics commit slow suicide by refusing to allow the child inside them to play." - Dr. Laurence Susser

"Our strength is often composed of the weakness we're damned if we're going to show." - Mignon McLaughlin

"In spite of warnings, nothing much happens until the status quo becomes more painful than change." - Laurence J. Peter

"Books won't stay banned. They won't burn. Ideas won't go to jail. In the long run of history, the censor and the inquisitor have always lost. The only sure weapon against bad ideas is better ideas." - A. Whitney Griswold

"Never stand begging for that which you have the power to earn." - Miguel de Cervantes

"The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him." - Robert Benchley

"Death: You have failed me for the last... nice shoes!" - Six-String Samurai

"Someone's boring me. I think it's me." - Dylan Thomas

"Learning without thought is labor lost." - Confucius

"You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land, there is no other life but this." - Henry David Thoreau

"Reading furnishes the mind only with materials of knowledge; it is thinking that makes what we read ours." - John Locke

"Employ your time in improving yourself by other men's writings so that you shall come easily by what others have labored hard for." - Socrates

"There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse." - Quentin Crisp

"I just want to do what has to be done so much. I'll never understand why everyone else doesn't feel this way." - Abbie Hoffman

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." - A Yale University management professor (in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"If professional wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in tiny bathing suits, pretending to fight?" - Jerry Seinfeld

"The difference between e-mail and regular mail is that computers handle e-mail, and computers never decide to come to work one day and shoot all the other computers." - Jamais Cascio

"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance." - Confucius

"It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them." - Pierre de Beaumarchais

"I went for years not finishing anything. Because, of course, when you finish something you can be judged... I had poems which were re-written so many times I suspect it was just a way of avoiding sending them out." - Erica Jong

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Signature quotes
Alphabetical index of quotes