This page was filled on September 8, 2000

"My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, 'Just wait.'" - Judy Tenuda

"Philosophy can not be attained from text on a page... it comes from within the soul." - Russ Kolibas

"There are no things that man was not meant to know. There are, perhaps, some things man is too dumb to figure out, but that's a different problem." - Michael Kurland

"Somewhere there is someone who dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worth while, so when you are lonley, remember it's true, somebody, somewhere, is thinking of you." - D'Anne Bucy

"Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we should know how to be grateful for that gift." - Anonymous

"When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different." - Jack Handey

"Get rid of imagined guilt. You did the best you could at the time, all things considered. If you made mistakes, learn to accept that we are all imperfect... Only hindsight is 20-20." - Amy Hillyard Jensen

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't." - Eleanor Roosevelt

"Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart don?t know how to laugh either." - Golda Meir

"A mind is like a canvas: The more open your mind, the more colors you can use." - Ehren Goossens

"Sure, there are other fish in the sea, but who wants to date a fish?" - Anonymous

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

"I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs." - Samuel Goldwyn

"Leviticus forbids a man to marry his brother's wife. Deuteronomy orders him to do so." - Voltaire, Philisophical Dictionary

"Maybe someday man will land on the sun. It might be hot so we should probably do it at night." - Dan Quayle

"Football combines two of the worst things in American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings." - George Will

"The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it." - Dave Barry

"Tip: It's illegal and immoral to slay your enemies, but if you eat nutritious food and outlive them, you can still dance on their graves. There's nothing illegal or immoral about dancing." - ad for Dilberitos

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it." - Terry Pratchett, Diggers

"Public media should not contain explicit or implied descriptions of sex acts. Our society should be purged of the perverts who provide the media with pornographic material while pretending it has some redeeming social value under the public's 'right to know'." - Kenneth Starr in 1987

"Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken." - Gilbert Perreira

"There is nothing permanent except change." - Heraclitus

"You are a philosopher, Dr. Johnson. I have tried too in my time to be a philosopher; but I don't know how. Cheerfulness was always breaking in." - Oliver Edwards

"I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life!
To put to rout all that was not life
And not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." - Henry David Thoreau

"My girlfriend came up to me the other day and introduced me to one of her male friends, and at first I didn't mind, since I'm not the jealous type. I just wish she hadn't started calling him 'Sweetie' and living with him and having his kids and marrying him and stuff. It's really starting to make me wonder if she wants a future with me or not." - Derek Maness

"There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11." - Dave Barry

"I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body." - Elaine Boosler

"I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'Got any shoes you're not using?'" - Steven Wright

"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'" - Bruce Baum

"I know I may not seem like a nice girl, sitting here holding my panties. But I assure you I am. I really am." - someone in the jacuzzi at Hunter and Bryan's

"Be not simply good; be good for something." - Henry David Thoreau

"We would rather speak ill of ourselves than not talk about ourselves at all." - Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld, The Maxims

"You must not fight too often with one enemy, or you will teach him all your art of war." - Napoleon Bonaparte

"I do desire we may be better strangers." - William Shakespeare

"If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!" - Rudyard Kipling

"The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it." - Flannery O'Connor

"Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd." - Voltaire

"Look into a girl's eyes, and you see everything you ever believed about yourself. And you can never see her ugly because that would mean that you also are ugly and untrue." - Peter S. Beagle, A Fine and Private Place

"We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great. If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one heck of a time." - Art Buchwald

"And what are you that, wanting you,
I should be kept awake
As many nights as there are days
With weeping for your sake?

And what are you that, missing you,
As many days as crawl
I should be listening to the wind
And looking at the wall?

I know a man that's a braver man
And twenty men as kind,
And what are you, that you should be
The one man in my mind?

Yet women's ways are witless ways,
As any sage will tell, --
And what am I, that I should love
So wisely and so well?" - Edna St. Vincent Millay

"No man is clever enough to know all the evil he does." - Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld

"Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year." - Abbie Hoffman

"I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because I know it will be up all night." - Steven Wright

"I am loyal in relationships. Any relationship. When I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms and say, 'Oooh, I wonder what her macaroni and cheese tastes like!'" - Gary Shandling

"A sportsman is a man who, every now and then, simply has to get out and kill something. Not that he's cruel. He wouldn't hurt a fly. It's not big enough." - Stephen Leacock

"I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend -- I didn't bother with him." - George Carlin

"New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time." - James Agate

"An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it." - Don Marquis

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it." - Steven Wright

"Cows are amongst the gentlest of breathing creatures; none show more passionate tenderness to their young when deprived of them; and, in short, I am not ashamed to profess a deep love for these quiet creatures." - Thomas De Quincey

"The best way to become a successful writer is to read good writing, remember it, and then forget where you remember it from." - Gene Fowler

"I think sleeping was my problem in school. If school had started at 4:00 in the afternoon, I'd be a college graduate today." - George Foreman

"I realize that humor isn't for everyone. It's only for people who want to have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive." - Anne Wilson Schaef

"It is necessary for us to learn from others' mistakes. You will not live long enough to make them all yourself." - Hyman Rickover

"Isn't man an amazing animal? He kills wildlife by the millions in order to protect his domestic animals and their feed. Then he kills domestic animals by the billions (9 billion in the U.S. alone in 1996) and eats them. This in turn kills man by the millions, because eating all these animals leads to degenerative -- and fatal -- health conditions like heart disease, stroke, kidney disease, and cancer. So then man tortures and kills millions more animals to look for cures for these diseases. Elsewhere, millions of other human beings are being killed by hunger and malnutrition because food they could eat is being used to fatten domestic animals. Meanwhile, some people are dying of sad laughter at the absurdity of man, who kills so easily and so violently, and once a year sends out cards praying for 'Peace on Earth.'" - C. David Coats

"Dick Cheney is a rock-solid candidate, with all the charisma of that inorganic substance." - Lexington, The Economist

"Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!" - woman
"That's not enough, madam, we need a majority!" - Adlai E. Stevenson (when he was running for president in 1956)

"When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, 'Day 1 - Still tired from the move. Day 2 - Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.'" - Steven Wright

"A group of protesters who are very unhappy at the rapid expansion of Starbucks have been repeatedly smashing the windows of a Starbucks store in Maine. Customers say it's been really inconvenient because, several times now, they've had to use the Starbucks across the street." - Conan O'Brien

"On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question." - Charles Babbage (inventor of the Analytic Machine)

"You lose a lot of time hating people." - Marian Anderson

"Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?" - Anonymous (seen in a signature file)

"To die for an idea is to set a rather high price on conjecture." - Anatole France

"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it." - Mark Twain

"When I was a child, adults would tell me not to make things up, warning me of what would happen if I did. As far as I can tell so far it seems to involve lots of foreign travel and not having to get up too early in the morning." - Neil Gaiman

"A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person." - Dave Barry

"Partisanship is our great curse. We too readily assume that everything has two sides and that it is our duty to be on one or the other." - James Harvey Robinson

"I have an idea for a TV show where I'd get a group of strangers together, strand them on a deserted island with no means of escape, tell them the last one remaining gets all the prizes, and then leave them there forever. I call it 'See Ya!'" Mark Dockham

"Easy?? You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex. And all the while, bobbing up and down, moaning, and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey! They don't call it a 'job' for nothin'." - Sex and the City

"can't say I ever wanted my parent dead... That was too easy I was always a capitalist child... I wanted to ruin them financially... Hmmm don't all kids dream of being the ones to forclose on there parents hard worked Morgage of 20 years..... Destroy there credit rateing and leave them pennyless on welfare.... Yes a lot more tidy and you don't get any blood on you...." - Ryan S. {I know there are misspellings, Ryan never used his spellcheck}

"Hell is truth seen too late." - H.G. Adams

"We all know how stupid the average person is. Now realize that, by definition, fifty percent of the population is dumber than that." - Ivan Stang

"The heart is, truly, the source of love. The proof is that if you remove it from someone, they will almost certainly never love again." - Zero Mostel

"I'm furious about the Women's Liberationists. They keep getting up on soapboxes and proclaiming that women are brighter than men. That's true, but it should be kept quiet or it ruins the whole racket." - Anita Loos

"'We must start to think about these inner-city children as out future entry-level workers,' we are told by business leaders as they forge their various alliances and partnerships with poorly funded urban schools. It's said so frequently that it occasions little stir. Still, it's fair to ask why we are being urged to see 'these' children in quite that specific way. Why are we asked to look at Elio and see a future entry-level worker rather than to see him, as we see our own kids, as perhaps a future doctor, dancer, artist, poet, priest, psychologist, or teacher, or whatever else he might someday desire to be? Why not, for that matter, look at him and see the only thing he really is: a seven-year-old child?" - Jonathan Kozol, Ordinary Resurrections

"Pets are loving, trusting creatures. Do not treat them with the same cruelty and neglect you do your children." - The Onion

"It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place." - H.L. Mencken

"Why would poor people vote for a party that would abolish the inheritance tax? I know my kids would want to, but I've told them that if they vote for Bush, I'll give all my money to charity." - Alan Dershowitz

"Cosine Secant Tangent Sine
3.14159
Cube Root, Square Root, BTU
Compass, Slide Rule, Go Rice U!" - Rice University's football cheer

"If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world." - Dorothy Law Nolte

"Every man is guilty of all the good he didn't do." - Francois-Marie Arouet Voltaire

"Student: Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
Buffy: You know I meant to, and then I just got really busy..." - Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Conversation in Political Pizza:
"Customer: What's the NAFTA Pizza?
Pizza Guy: Canadian bacon and jalapenos.
C: What's the candidate?
PG: Lot's of toppings and cheese, but no meat or bread.
C: And the spin doctor?
PG: We serve you a half-baked pizza and we tell you how much you liked it." - Dan Piraro, Bizarro

"We have uniformly rejected all letters and declined all discussion upon the question of when the present century ends, as it is one of the most absurd that can engage the public attention, and we are astonished to find it has been the subject of so much dispute, since it appears plain. The present century will not terminate till January 1, 1801, unless it can be made out that 99 are 100... It is a silly, childish discussion, and only exposes the want of brains of those who maintain a contrary opinion to that we have stated." - The London Times, 26 December 1799

"The Post is open to conviction. We are not bigoted or intolerant. If anyone will show us how a century can be completed with less than 100 years, and how nineteen centuries can be completed with less than 1900 years, and how the twentieth century can begin before the nineteenth century ends, we shall joyfully put ashes in our hair and hail him as a wizard." - Washington Post, 28 December 1899

"When life gives you llamas, make llamanade." - Dave Appleby

"Sad thing is, you can love someone and still be wrong for them." - Elvis Presley

"Read the best books first, or you may not have a chance to read them all." - Henry David Thoreau

"I'm a man of logic, a man of planning. I factor in every detail, consider every possibility. Then I flip a coin." - Oz

"The post office is raising the price of stamps by 1 cent to upgrade their equipment. Apparently they're upgrading from semiautomatics to Uzis." - Conan O' Brien

"You have been told that Real Life is not like college, and you have been correctly informed. Real Life is more like high school." - Meryl Streep

"Temptation usually comes in through a door that has deliberately been left open." - Arnold H. Glasgow

"I ask the internist why there aren't more Ornish-like studies. 'There aren't any financial interests involved.'" - Michael Greger MD, Heart Failure -- Diary of a Third Year Medical Student (Dean Ornish has shown that heart disease can actually be reversed with lifestyle changes which include a low fat vegetarian diet)

"You believe that flag burning shows disrespect towards those who have fought to preserve our freedoms. Punishing protestors shows an even more profound disrespect for the ideals that these people died for. An intact flag is worthless if it no longer stands for freedom. A flag burned to ashes challenges us to remember just exactly what freedom is." - Dr. Mary Ruwart, The Liberator Online

"There is a marvelous story of a man who once stood before God, his heart breaking from the pain and injustice in the world. 'Dear God,' he cried out, 'look at all the suffering, the anguish and distress in your world. Why don't you send help?' God responded, 'I did send help. I sent you.' When we tell our children that story, we must tell them that each one of them was sent to help repair the broken world - and that it is not just the task of an instant or of a year, but of a lifetime." - David J. Wolpe

"To live without loving is not really to live." ?Molière

"If you'd lose a troublesome visitor, lend him money." - Benjamin Franklin

"The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning" --Ivy Baker Priest

"Churchill was fundamentally what the English call unstable: by which they mean anybody who has that touch of genius which is inconvenient in normal times." - Harold Macmillan

"I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, 'Steven, time to go to sleep.' I said, 'But I don't know how.' She said, 'It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.' So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said 'I thought I told you to go to sleep.'" - Steven Wright

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